


Hungry Heart

by blessyourdoubts



Category: Actor RPF, American Actor RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Camboy!Seb, Graphic Description of Sex, M/M, Porn, Porn With Plot, Sex Work, Smut, Some fetish stuff, There'll be angst later, fluff too, lawyer!chris, no underage though
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-31
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2018-09-21 03:25:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9529619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blessyourdoubts/pseuds/blessyourdoubts
Summary: Chris is doing well. He has a good job, a nice home, everything a person could wish for. If there wasn't the fear that people will find out that he's gay.It is this dilemma that finds him looking for relief on the Internet. And it is there that he finds camboy Sebastian. Beautiful, openminded, unbelievably sexy Sebastian.Chris finds himself spiraling down into a real obsession but little does he know that Sebastian has more than one heavy weight to carry, too.





	1. Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Evanstan work. I admit the idea started out as pure smut of Chris watching porn but then I decided it'd be more interesting to add a bit of a twist to it and turn it into a multi-chapter fic. 'cause that's how I roll, baby!

The first thing Chris thinks when the website finishes loading on his laptop is that this looks nothing like he expected. The colors are tasteful and the whole design is a lot more subtle than what he’s used to as far as this part of the world wide web is concerned. The images, while suggestive and certainly filled with nudity, wouldn’t let you guess at what’s really being sold here, at least not the full extent. Chris is no stranger to porn, especially not gay porn, but so far the crass, in-your-face attitudes of these websites have turned him off rather than on. Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t fully approve of what they’re selling. He just doesn’t like feeling like a freak for it by using the online version of what’s essentially a sleazy brothel in a back alley.

He would have never heard of adams-eden.com if it wasn’t for Jake, his very gay and very openminded co-worker who has made it a habit to fill everybody in on his various free-time activities, whether that included tennis lessons with Raoul or jerking off to gay porn. Chris, in turn, has made it a habit to only really listen with one ear. And so he’s only been half aware of Jake bringing this website up over and over again for the past month or so.

Here’s how it is: Chris has always known he’s bi. In theory. Because where most of his bi friends essentially crave the same things with both sexes and can imagine themselves ending up with either, depending on personality and chemistry, Chris has only ever been in relationships with women. And he’s only ever really wanted men.

Things aren’t so easy in his position. At least that’s what he’s been telling himself for the past ten years. Chris is a lawyer. A very successful lawyer. He’s recently been made partner at his firm and financially, he’s doing more than just alright. He’s living in a handsome brownstone in one of the best areas of Boston, has visited more grand holiday destinations than he cares to count and wears Armani and Gucci suits on a daily basis. It’s a good life, he guesses, but Chris knows the sacrifices he’s had to make for this.

You can’t be gay and get anywhere in this job, he’s been told too often. Jake being the exception to that rule. But Jake is Jake. Everybody loves him. He could get away with murder. As far as Chris knows, that is less of a criminal offence in this business anyway. But Chris is no Jake, not by any means. He’s way too serious and too passionate about most things, including his job. And unlike Jake, who can dominate a whole room full of people with his laughter and his stories, large groups give Chris crippling anxiety. Except in the courtroom which is the only place where he feels sure of himself.

It was okay for most of the past three years of him and Kate dating. He likes Kate. She’s witty and funny and she prefers a good football game over a fancy dinner anytime. But she can also accompany him to work functions and be the perfect date. And she’s beautiful. Chris likes women enough to appreciate that. But beyond that, there’s nothing. And if he’s honest, Chris has always known this. It was like that with every woman he dated before her. If anything, it’s a miracle this relationship has lasted for as long as it has. He’s never made it past six months before. But even so, he’s been feeling that familiar shift lately, the one that tells him Kate is ready to take the next step and he’s been wondering if he can see himself do this. Chris the lawyer can. The Chris who’s sitting here staring at a gay porn site definitely cannot.

He knows he’ll have to make a decision eventually, sit down for ‘the talk’ which he’s perfected over the years. But not tonight. Tonight, Chris has more pressing matters to attend to.

The plan is this: Prove to himself that this is only about dick. Chris misses it, he wants it. He doesn’t want to cheat, so this is as good a compromise as he can manage. Get it out of his system, then get back to normal. Makes sense to Chris, if no one else.

The thing about AE - Chris calls it that, even in his own head, because the name’s just so tacky - is that it isn’t just porn. What makes it so great, according to Jake, is that it is much more than just watching a couple actors getting it on. AE calls itself an ‘intimate connection between viewers and performers’, Essentially it offers you access to webcam shows. But no, Jake assured him, this is so much better because these people aren’t professionals, they’re random hot guys who decided to share their hotness with others! Exclamation mark! Exclamation mark! Exclamation mark! Chris doesn’t fall for that as easily as Jake does but even if it’s all make pretend, it’s better than the polished stuff he’s used to.

Chris spends a good half an hour clicking around the free parts of AE. Ten minutes of that alone are spent reading about the perks of becoming a member and the many ways how the website handles and protects its members’ privacy. That feels perfectly innocent, normal even. Chris is a lawyer, reading contracts and other legal documents is what he does.

Then he gets to the ‘How’s’. How it’s done, how to sign up, how to become a performer... The last part surprises him because it explains in great detail how anyone, a hypothetical John Doe from Nowhereville in Ohio could set up a channel on AE. It does indeed sound as if, hypothetically speaking, Chris could be watching actual amateurs on this website. Watching them, chatting with them, commanding them…all for a price, of course.

Chris figures out that the membership itself is free, it’s the subscription or one-time access keys to channels that will cost good money, as well as optional perks the channel owners can enable, whatever they’re comfortable doing for their audience. 

The string-free deal completely takes away his anxiety about the whole process for now and he hits the Sign Up button (shaped like a shiny red apple - oh please!).

He stalls when it asks for his credit card details - just for age verification, it says - but then gets over himself. He uses his Mastercard, though, the one he almost never uses for anything. As if there was a chance of a cashier suddenly throwing him a knowing look the next time he pays for groceries with his Amex was an actual possibility. Then it asks for a nickname. Well, huh! Chris stares at the screen blankly, watches the cursor blink expectantly. In the background, a song ends and his playlist shuffles to the next. The first notes bring a smile to Chris’ face and he leans forward to type. _hungryheart_. It’s a good song. Can’t go wrong with the Boss.

After that, the rest of the profile gets filled out easily. E-mail address, password. Then a user icon. Chris goes with a picture of an acoustic guitar. The next part focuses on his likes and dislikes, physical preferences. All of those are optional and private but it states that these details will help AE to suggest the right channels for him to watch and anyway, it won’t hurt to fill out. Chris figures it will give himself a chance to think about what he wants. After careful consideration, he leaves the physical appearances empty, not even sure what exactly he prefers right now and there’s no option that says ‘not my girlfriend’. As for his sexual likes and kinks, he could as well have left that field empty, too, because when he’s done, only three or four of the many boxes are left unchecked. There’s little Chris doesn’t at least have a curious interest in. Realistically, he’d probably rule out some of these. But right now, he’s a little boy in a candy store after a long period of fasting who just wants it all at once, even the sour Skittles which he’d usually ignore.

Not surprisingly, once he’s done and has confirmed his e-mail, is now a full member of AE, his dashboard is a confusing mess of about everything the site has to offer, not much of a filter to be seen. There are channels of little blond twinks as well as huge furry bears. There are the relatively harmless videos of men stripping for their viewers, pretty much what Chris has expected to see. But there’s also a lot more detailed and explicit stuff. 

Chris clicks on a few videos to read their description and even views a few profile videos in which the performers introduce themselves to the audience, but two hours later, he still hasn’t come across anything that makes him want to pay the $2.99 to view a video, let alone the monthly $19.99 for full access to that person’s channel. By now, he has no doubt that these are real people, amateurs who set up a channel for some extra money. With some it’s obvious that they’re more dedicated to this, maybe use it as their main source of income, others only upload a video here and there. From looking at the thumbnails, Chris can tell that some of the performers have set up an actual little studio for their videos. He clicks away from those right away without taking the time to analyse his own voyeuristic needs that actually want him to believe he’s getting a glimpse of someone’s private chambers.

Still, his initial excitement has long since worn off and Chris has no idea why he’s still browsing. He has three pretty tough cases to work on right now, one of which he has no idea of how to approach yet, so he should really look into that and do some research. And yet, here he is, still clicking around on this website. 

He goes back to his dashboard and stares at it, runs a hand over his face and listens to the rough sound when it scrapes over his beard. Maybe this doesn’t make sense. Maybe he’s just too eager, needs this too much to focus on what he really wants. Like shopping for groceries when you’re hungry. Only then you can just toss everything into your cart and now he can’t just watch everything at once. 

Chris is about to close the tab and give it a rest for now when the little widget in the sidebar refreshes itself, the one that lets him know about what’s going on right now, guys relevant to his interests being online, new videos by popular performers, any news regarding his personal likes. The first item on the list says “themadhatter has uploaded a new video” and it’s from ten seconds ago. It’s a funny name, given the nature of this website. Most performers are called something along the lines of hunghunk69 or sexiboitwink. But what gets Chris is the user icon next to the notification. Unlike most performers on here who use images of their abs or pecs or sometimes even of their dicks, this one has a close-up of his face. No, not even his whole face. It’s zoomed right in to show his eyes and parts of his nose and cheek. Sea breeze, Chris thinks as he gazes at the unusual color of the guy’s irises, the still air right before a storm, a lazy Sunday morning spent between freshly washed sheets, and then crosses it all out in his head. This is hardly the kind of stuff to think about while browsing a website like this. Waxing poetic about a camboy on a gay porn website - seriously, Chris?

He knows this is the point where he should close the laptop and take a walk. Or maybe a drink, which is more like him anyway. But instead, Chris clicks on the username and taps his fingers on the desk impatiently as the profile pulls up on his laptop. There it is, the big version of the picture. Sometimes, thumbnails promise too much and the details ruin it. Not in this case, though. Sea Breeze Boy’s eyes are even more stunning in this one. 

Chris is itching to watch the new video, especially because the thumbnail shows a still of the guy without his shirt on, leaning back on his elbows on what looks like a queensize bed in a room that may or may not be a dorm room, judging by the clutter in the shelf behind him. But he has to admit to himself that he wants to know more about this guy before he can commit himself to the idea of watching him jerk off or whatever is going on in this video or the other...holy fuck, 52 videos! In the past four months since creating this profile, themadhatter has uploaded a couple dozen videos and, as Chris notices, already accumulated nearly 4.000 subscribers and over a million views in total. Whatever this guy’s doing, he must be doing it well.

Chris switches over to the About tab, a kind of profile, not unlike Facebook or other social media, where the performers can tell as much or as little about themselves as they like. Apparently, this one’s a sharer because there’s little he hasn’t filled out. 

Real name: _Sebastian_

That one immediately catches Chris’ attention. He doubts it’s his actual name but damn, it suits him. He says it out loud, just to taste it on his tongue and it has an exotic ring to it, even though Chris knows it isn’t, is even aware that it’s quite a popular name in some parts of the world. But to him, it sounds different, like a promise of something new, something he hasn’t experienced yet. So whoever chose this name, they did a good job.

Age: _20_

Okay, this is it. This is where Chris should close the tab, shut down his computer and walk it off. Twenty. Chris just celebrated his thirty-fifth birthday a few weeks ago. This is so wrong in so many ways and he knows this but only on a level of his consciousness that thinks he should know this. Another, bigger part of him is only very faintly bothered by this and still feels drawn to this young stranger.

And anyway, just like his name, this could be fake. Barely legal is a big deal on the Internet, so who says it isn’t just another part of his strategy? Sure, yeah, he looks young, from what Chris has seen so far. But maybe he’s at least in his mid-20’s already. At any rate, he’s legal, and Chris isn’t planning to propose to him, so there.

Chris scrolls down and reads the other parts of his profile. Instead of an actual location, Sebastian’s put in Wonderland. Smart kid, and witty. His relationship status says single but then again, of course it does. Like Chris, he’s checked most of the kinks and likes and the list of his hard limits is short and only contains the usual suspects: scat, underage, sodomy, blood play. Smart kid, indeed.

Underneath those, there are interview-style questions that the performers can choose to answer as extensively as they like, in their own words. And unlike some of the other profiles Chris has seen, Sebastian seems to have put a lot of thought into it, almost as if he really wants his audience to know him before throwing money his way. It’s endearing, in a way. The first question asks if he’s okay with receiving unusual requests and his answer makes Chris smile. Well, we’re all mad here. Just try me. Don’t be shy.

Reading over the other answers, Chris finds Sebastian seems surprisingly warm-hearted and caring for someone who’s obviously here for the money. It’s probably a trick, catering to a shy and maybe inexperienced audience, luring them into safety and making them feel like they’re gaining a friend here, not just getting off to a camboy’s video. On a website full of people promising a quick fix, a good time, some outrageously dirty fun, you have to find a good strategy to hold your ground.

But well, if it is a trick, it’s working because Chris finds himself clicking back to the list of videos. He reads the description of the newest video and yes, it gives him a tingling sensation in his groin. Apparently it was a user request and Sebastian tries an inflatable toy in it. It’s a pretty long video, over thirty minutes, so Chris assumes that he’s taking things slow and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t itching to watch him squirm and slowly stretch himself to uncomfortable dimensions.

But - and this is where he knows he’s going off the deep end here - Chris wants to take this slow, don’t jump right in, get to know Sebastian as if he’d been a devoted viewer right from the start. At least he still has enough wits about him not to subscribe to the channel right away. Instead he scrolls down to the bottom of the list and picks the very first video, boldly titled _Welcome to Wonderland!_ Chris laughs at this. Not only is Sebastian obviously eager to stick to his theme, he’s also not afraid of setting the bar high right from the start.

With his credit card info already in the system, all Chris has to do is confirm that yes, he does want to spend the grand total of $2.99 on watching Sebastian introduce himself to pervs and sad fuckers like him alike. As he watches the little apple spin in the middle of the video window to indicate it’s loading, he catches himself wondering if he should get his dick out, ready to jerk off as soon as things heat up. But to his own astonishment, he doesn’t consider the three bucks wasted if he only gets to know 20 year-old Sebastian who decided to set up a porn video account for himself. 

The video finishes loading and the first thing Chris sees is a close-up of the top of Sebastian’s head as he’s obviously checking something out on his own laptop screen. A second later he looks up and Chris hears, more than feels, himself suck in a sharp intake of breath when the ocean eyes he’s admired before look straight at the camera - straight at him! - and then the boy’s entire face lights up in what’s the brightest smile Chris has ever seen. The corners of his eyes crinkle up and his full lips part, showing perfectly white teeth - just one, on the right, is a tiny bit crooked, adorably so - and a pink tongue as he leans back enough to get properly into view of his webcam. “Oh! Hey!” he laughs and yes, this is enough to get Chris’s cock straining against the confines of his pants. His voice is warm and dark and reminds him of honey and milk. There’s a light scratch to it and Chris finds himself wondering if he was just wearing out the last remnants of a cold back then or if this is always there. Something to find out by watching more of his videos.

“I’m sorry, this is my first time doing this, so I’m not sure about the settings. I hope this is recording. If you’re watching this, you’re witnessing my cherry getting popped.” There it is again, that little laugh. It’s obvious that Sebastian was nervous back then but Chris still has a feeling that this was his first take and he didn’t make any effort to get it perfect and upload a polished video. Maybe this is another trick. Chris knows the lengths some studios go to to create the perfect vision of ‘homemade’ porn. But he doesn’t think so. Sebastian seems...genuine. In a way that he hadn’t thought possible to find on a website like this.

“Oh, right. I’m being rude here. I should introduce myself to you.” Chris likes how Sebastian’s sitting on the edge of his bed and talking to the camera as if in a conversation with someone. He’s still fully dressed in a grey V-neck shirt that’s hugging his chest nicely and what looks like some dark bottom piece, jeans or otherwise. Sometimes, while he’s talking, he’ll touch his chest or arm or thigh but never in the kind of fake way that performers often do in those videos, where their hands will just ‘accidentally’ cup their crotch or pinch their nipple. Chris’ favourite part is when Sebastian reaches up to card his fingers through his hair, sometimes even pulling it a little, a nervous habit, as it seems. His hair, Chris decides, is perfection on its own. Short in the back and longer on the top, it seems tousled even before Sebastian starts playing with it. And not in a careless way, no, it seems like he probably spent a good while trying to do something with it before sitting down in front of his laptop. It’s shiny with a bit of product but unruly as if he’d just gotten out of bed. Chris is itching to run his own hands through it to see if it’s as soft as it looks.

“My name is Sebastian, which you probably already know from looking at my profile. I’m nineteen, which I guess you also know.” So he’s had his birthday since filming this video, Chris observes, wondering if there was a special he filmed for that day. “I’m from the United States of America, not actually from Wonderland, sorry. I live,” at this he pauses, licking his lips - another nervous habit Chris finds endearing - and rolls his eyes up as if deep in thought, “somewhere between California and Maine.” The grin he gives the camera at this is sure to make anyone forgive him for the vague hint at his location. Chris tries to get a clue from his accent but comes up with nothing. Guy does have one, for sure, but it’s like nothing Chris has ever heard. If anything, it seems like a mix of familiar and unfamiliar. Maybe he’s been moving around a lot. 

“I like boys, I like girls,” Sebastian goes on, and Chris immediately loses interest in the previous subject, “well, mostly boys. And I kinda hope to keep this thing here going for a while if you like me to, so I figured anything else you wanna know, you could just ask me about.”

He falls silent for a moment, looking at something just beneath the camera, maybe checking if his laptop is recording or maybe he even put some notes for himself up on his screen. But strangely, it doesn’t seem awkward, more like he’s giving his audience - his partner, Chris - a moment to gather their own thoughts before he continues. When he does, he leans forward a bit, leaning his elbows onto his thighs and entwining his fingers between his knees as if in prayer.

“I know what you’re thinking. I guess it’s what everyone’s thinking whenever they see someone’s video on here for the first time: ‘Why is he doing this?’” He laughs again, the quick breathy huff that has him squinting his eyes and flicking his tongue over his lips. “Well, I don’t wanna lie to you, lovers. Just like everybody else in this world, I need money to live.” The honesty surprises Chris and he finds himself lifting his eyebrows at this confession. Somehow, even though this is an open secret, he figured that no one on this website would even openly say it. Just like strippers wouldn’t tell you they’re single parents with five kids at home even though that’s probably true for at least one out of five. The next thing Sebastian says is less of a surprise but still has Chris’ mouth hanging open for very different reasons: “But I also love sex, I love to get off, on my own or with others, and I enjoy being watched. And who doesn’t like doing a job that’s actually fun, huh?”

He checks something on his screen again and by now Chris is halfway sure that these little breaks are something he just does. A part of his personality. To gather his thoughts and make sure the wording of what he says next is just right. And Chris, never able to just let things go, wonders if there’s a story behind that. Instead of giving an answer to that question, Sebastian answers another one Chris hasn’t even thought of yet.

“My plan, for now, is to upload a video maybe once or twice a week. I’ll try to come up with something fun for me to do and for you to watch. But hey, this is for you, lovers, and I’m more than willing to take your wishes into account. You can send me requests, for a price, of course. Nothing in life is free but I’ll make it worth your while.” 

Alright, Chris is sure it’ll only take one more of those sinful looks at the camera and he’s just gonna come untouched and soil his pants.

“But I understand if you’re hesitant to spend your bucks on me. So you’re also able to send me messages. Send me your wishes, your fantasies, anything you like. Or just say hello. ‘Cause I’m curious about who’s out there, y’know?” There he goes again, with that stupidly sexy little laugh! “I may take those messages into account when planning my videos, who knows…”

At this, he sits up straight again, and Chris watches as his expression changes to something darker, more challenging. He feels as if Sebastian is looking straight at him, fucking him with his eyes as he cocks his head to the side and pokes his tongue into the inside of his cheek. 

“Now I’m sure you wanna get a better look at the goods you’re paying for, isn’t that right?” And Chris should have seen this coming, remembers seeing him topless in the preview thumbnail, but still doesn’t feel prepared when he watches Sebastian’s delicate fingers reach for the hem of his shirt and lift it up until he can pull it over his head and toss it somewhere outside of the camera’s view. Now he leans back, supporting himself on his elbows against the mattress. Chris can see that the little hint of silver he thought he saw peeking out from underneath his neckline belongs to a simple necklace with a pendant. It looks to be yellow and maybe green, Chris can’t tell exactly and he wonders what it is. 

“What do you say? Is this worth a part of your hard earned cash?” Sebastian interrupts his thoughts, as if to remind him that it’s time to stop wondering about matters too private for the occasion.

Oh yeah, it’s definitely worth a big ol’ chunk of Chris’ money. His organized mind quickly comes up with a whole list of what he likes about what he sees. First of all, Sebastian’s body looks real. He definitely works out, Chris can tell by the definition of his muscles when he flexes his arms and there are definitely nice abs to be seen when he’s stretching out like he is right now. But there are also visible little flaws, which aren’t actually flaws in Chris’s eyes. His chest is meaty enough to make those gorgeous tits a little perky and his nipples! Chris could write poetry about those nipples even after only having seen them for thirty seconds now. They’re dark and large and the areolas are almost perfectly round, with the cutest little buds in the center. One of which Chris is witnessing being teased by Sebastian’s thumb right now as he addresses the camera again.

“Yeah, you like what you see, don’t you?” And for a moment, Chris is stunned because it seems like he’s been caught, like Sebastian’s talking directly to him. But then he watches him break the intense stare and his serious features melt into another laugh.

“I’m not psychic but you’re still watching, so you probably like me. I know you want to see more, too.”

Now Chris is almost sure that drool is dribbling down his chin and messing up his beard as the hand that was teasing Sebastian’s chest travels south. His eyes follow him down the path marked by soft dark hair. There’s some in a slightly wonky triangle on his chest and from there a thinner, lighter trail leads down between his abs before it gets darker and thicker again just under his belly button. And then it disappears under the waistband of his pants and to Chris’ dismay, Sebastian doesn’t seem to plan on revealing anything else.

“Nuh uh, this is where we stop for today. I know everyone hates cliffhangers and I’m only gonna make it worse by telling you that watching the next video will be SO worth it. But admit it, you’re already hooked and you can’t wait for my next upload, can you?”

He leans forward again, getting closer to the camera and now Chris can see that there’s just the tiniest hint of nerves underneath all the bravado this kid is putting up for his paying audience. Maybe he isn’t only teasing by keeping his pants on. Maybe he was testing the waters with his first video, wanting to see the reaction before he’d let his pants down, pun intended. 

All of this isn’t helping with the way Chris is already getting hooked. This isn’t what he’d expected to find. He still didn’t get his dick out and he doesn’t even think about that now. What was meant to be an easy way for him to get off is now becoming something entirely different. And Chris can’t afford this, he knows he can’t, is even telling himself this out loud as he watches Sebastian say goodbye and then shuts the video to return to themadhatter’s profile and hits the Subscribe button.

He is so fucked. He knows this but he doesn’t care because he hasn’t felt this alive in a long time.

And anyway, how much harm is really being done here (not counting his own sanity)? He’s just thrown not even $25 towards some kid who’s probably gonna use it for college or some other good cause that will give him a future. Chris isn’t stalking a kid fifteen years younger than him, he’s buying his services which are officially, legally being offered to him. And maybe it’d help if he stopped calling him ‘kid’ already. If only Sebastian didn’t have those ridiculously pretty sea breeze eyes...


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris' obsession grows, but it's safely hidden behind the anonymity of the Internet, or so he thinks.
> 
> Until he's proven wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. This took me forever and I'm so, so sorry. I was struggling a little bit with this chapter and ended up re-writing it twice. There'll be a lot more smut and also a healthy portion of angst later but I decided to go at a really slow pace with this.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the love you've given me in your comments and for sticking with me so patiently.

Chris wakes up with a stiff neck and an attractive outline of a pen imprinted on his cheek from where his face ended up resting on his desk. He always thought this was a myth, people falling asleep at their desks in awkward positions but now he’s joining their ranks. 

Sitting up in his chair, he stretches with a pained groan when something in his back pops. The last thing he remembers is watching Sebastian wave goodbye to his audience after making himself come twice without even touching his cock. At least he also remembers getting some work done before a certain camboy took over again. 

Mental images of Sebastian teasing himself with a toy that “feels like it’s milking my fucking prostate” flood Chris’ mind and yes, dammit, that was some seriously good stuff. Before that, he remembers watching him jerk off, finger himself and more videos of him talking to the audience. Chris came twice, always holding it back until he watched the beautiful man on the screen lose it before he allowed himself to come “with” him.

The adult part of his brain knows that this is pathetic. Watching porn is one thing, getting hung up on a stranger from some website another. Especially falling asleep while watching his videos. He hasn’t even made any effort to look around AE and find other performers since he came across Sebastian’s profile. 

And yet, despite the incredibly sexy things he’s witnessed Sebastian doing to himself, what Chris finds himself thinking about the most as he drags himself from his chair and into the kitchen are the videos in which the young man is just talking. According to him, he’s been receiving a steady stream of messages straight from the start, so he started doing irregular Q&A videos in which he’ll address questions asked by his loyal viewers. Most of them are rather intimate, of course, some downright kinky, but there’s also been the odd personal question. Chris noticed that he seems to answer those truthfully while still managing not to give a lot away. A lot of questions inquired about his relationship status, although the wording and approach got more and more clever each time, as if people were trying to find a backdoor through which they could find the truth. But so far, there’s no real answer to that. And Chris, who’s so very set on protecting his own privacy and knows he’s being a hypocrite, is going crazy because he wants to know. It would make no difference to him, have no impact on his life at all. He could just believe the single status in his profile and go on. But still he finds himself so eager to find out. Is there some lucky guy out there who gets to touch Sebastian? Go to bed with him at night? Do some of the things to him Chris has watched him do to himself? The more he looks at Sebastian’s gorgeous features, the more sinful it would seem to him if this man didn’t have someone to worship him every single day. But then, Chris thinks, knowing there is someone in his life would also drive him insane. He can’t win. Not where Sebastian is concerned.

Thoughts like this won’t do, Chris decides, setting the mug he just took out of the cupboard down on the counter a little too hard. He has to stop wasting his time on some guy he doesn’t even know and won’t ever know. He realizes his body and mind are obviously craving something, fair enough, and he’s indulged in this little online adventure for a night, no big deal. But now he has to go back to being a responsible adult and forget a guy like themadhatter even exists. It’s porn, nothing more, and porn is meant to be consumed, not obsessed over.

Nodding to himself, he feels his resolve crumble when he realizes he’s got a mug now but no coffee because he’s spent the past five minutes standing at the kitchen counter, waiting for coffee to be finished which he never even started brewing. Clearly, he’s not as much on top of everything as he would like to make himself believe.

Instead of getting the machine started, he abandons the thought of coffee for now and makes his way into the downstairs bathroom. While he relieves himself, he looks over to get a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and finds himself torn between annoyance and amusement. His face reminds him of what he used to look like back in college, during the brief period when he’d developed an unhealthy obsession with video games in order to avoid actual course work. He’d spend whole nights playing shooters and sports games on his console and the days that followed were miserable, looking much like he does now - red-rimmed eyes, dark circles underneath, face pale but flushed cheeks, like he needs at least a week’s worth of good sleep. Damn Sebastian and his gorgeous body!

After peeing, Chris has every intention to only rinse his face and then go to bed to catch up on some sleep but somehow, he ends up in the shower. The thought of Sebastian has him ready to go and wanting to rub one out again, but he refrains and keeps the shower quick. Chris chooses to see this as a good sign. He may be obsessing over what might as well be a fictional person, but at least it’s filling him with energy that he can use for something more productive.

Afterwards - dressed in a clean pair of old blue sweats and a shirt that runs big, even on him - he finds himself at his desk again. He managed to make that coffee after all and there’s a mug full of it next to him, the delicious scent filling his senses. He takes a small sip, then another, moaning in bliss when the hot liquid warms his throat, and then opens his laptop and goes through his notes on that one difficult case.

He gets in a good couple hours of work, to his own surprise. It isn’t just the distraction of Sebastian in the back of his mind but also the lack of proper sleep that makes him question his own productivity, but here he is, making good progress. Maybe he’s onto something, maybe jerking off to porn is good for getting the old brain cells to work.

Eventually, though, his eyes start wandering to the small Google Chrome icon on the bottom of his screen, its cheery colors mocking him and trying to seduce him, Chris is sure. 

No, he is not gonna open his browser and go to that damn website again.

He is not gonna go straight to Sebastian’s videos.

He is not.

He is...opening his browser and logging himself into his AE account.

This website is so convenient. Honestly. He can go straight to the next unwatched video on Sebastian’s playlist from his dashboard. And Chris clicks on it because hey, everyone’s entitled to a break after so much hard work, right?

The break lasts for three hours and involves nine videos (one of which he watches twice, just because), two orgasms and a move from his desk to his bedroom after he found out that the mobile version of AE works so well on his iPad. 

Spent and naked, Chris is sprawled out on his bed, the tablet dropped next to him. Maybe he should be worried about the fact that a stranger on the Internet is slowly taking over his life, keeping him from doing his job. But what he is worrying about is that he’ll have watched all available videos soon and then what? There’s no real pattern Chris can see in which videos get uploaded on Sebastian’s channel, no schedule for him to work around. The only thing that seems to have become a constant by now is “Make a Wish”-Tuesday, which is when Sebastian will upload a video in which he’ll fulfill his favourite user request of that week. Chris has already enabled notifications for this channel so he’ll be notified by email as soon as there’s a new video but patience has never been his biggest strength.

He isn’t gonna lie to himself and pretend that he hasn’t thought of writing this guy a message. But he simply doesn’t know what to say. While it feels like Chris has spent two days “with” him, he is still conscious enough to know that that time was spent watching him, not communicating. Sebastian owes him nothing and they don’t know each other. And Chris, quite simply put, isn’t the kind of fanboy who will just send out a line or two and expect Sebastian to pick it up as if he was obligated to do so. No, the best he can do for this guy is be a subscriber to his channel and hand over the additional dollar or two here and there for extras.

***

Chris does eventually manage to get some more work done. But he’s aware that he’s lucky he’s so good at his job, a natural at assessing situations quickly and turning them in his favour. Otherwise he would have botched the court hearing later that week. Normally his worst is still better than a lot of people’s best and without bragging he can say that he would probably make an easy win out of most cases even when he’s not in top shape. But this is a particularly tough case, one he knew he’d struggle with and which he’s taken on for the challenge. Well, that was pre-Sebastian. 

So he’s aware that his research game isn’t as strong as usual, but he gets by and that’s good enough for him. Which, in itself, should worry him because Chris is a perfectionist. He wants to do the best he can and only he is the judge of that. Just winning a case has never been good enough if he felt he could have also gained more from it.

But Chris is also easy to be won over by something that really captures his interest. Back in high school, Chris didn’t have crushes, he had obsessions. It was only thanks to his mom raising a decent kid that he always remembered to keep things sane and not become a creep. And the thing is, he hasn’t had anything he truly cares about besides his job for so long. That’s what made it so easy for Sebastian to weasel his way into his brain, even unknowingly so. And now, starved and weak as he is, Chris couldn’t even put up a fight.

Now all he really wants is to get done with work so he can hurry home to more videos (or to re-watch old ones, which he’s also been doing a lot). By now he’s watched everything, including the new video Sebastian’s uploaded two days ago. It was another one of him talking but as a bonus, he was jerking himself off while telling his eager audience about a particularly memorable one-time encounter. Chris didn’t know that listening to someone tell him about a one night stand could be so hot. Another thing that hits him surprisingly is the pang of jealousy he feels towards whatever lucky bastard got to be there for it in person. 

Channelling a little bit of that responsible adult he hasn’t given up on completely just yet, he doesn’t go straight for his laptop or tablet when he gets home. Instead, he changes into a pair of sweats and an old Patriots shirt, then starts rummaging around his cupboards. It’s been a while since he went for a grocery run but he comes up with enough ingredients to fix himself some dinner. Nothing fancy, just some pasta with one of those ready-to-heat sauces, but hey, it’s a step up from the strict diet of Ramen and other instant products he’s consumed in the last couple days before the court hearing. Who knew juggling a job and an unhealthy obsession with a camboy would be so stressful?

He’s just tossed the noodles onto a plate and poured sauce over them when his phone rings. He glances at the display and immediately feels a whole avalanche of guilt raining down on him, threatening to bury him underneath. 

Kate.

Not counting a couple texts here and there, Chris hasn’t talked to her since signing up on that website. And yes, he’s aware of how pathetic it is that it seems like he’s exchanged his relationship for a porn site. He’s become one of those sad guys.

If he’s honest, he doesn’t want to talk to Kate now, either. But there’s enough self-awareness left in him to know that he can’t avoid her forever. Well, he can, but not even he is that shitty.

“Hey you!” he greets after hitting the green button and tucking the phone between his shoulder and ear while he’s juggling the plate and a bottle of Budweiser in his hands. Damn those tiny smartphones nowadays for making this so difficult he almost ends up dropping everything!

“Hey stranger.” Her voice has that tone that Chris hates so much because he can’t tell if she’s angry, distracted or just unsure what to say. And he rarely has it in him to truly want to find out. He likes Kate and he knows he should feel somewhat committed to her but he doesn’t want to deal with drama of any kind. 

Only this time he knows he’s brought this onto himself.

There’s silence for a moment during which Chris sets down the plate on the coffee table but keeps the beer as he settled down on the couch. He wishes Kate would just come out with what he knows she wants to say but she’s never one to do him that favour.

“Alright, I know I messed up. It’s just...work, you know?” And a certain gorgeous camboy. A perverse side of Chris’ being almost wants to say that out loud just to hear Kate’s reaction. Not because he wants to hurt her or because he thinks cheating is cool (this isn’t cheating, Chris, get a fucking grip!) but because he’d love to know what his girlfriend would think if she found out that her polished lawyer boyfriend got off while watching a guy fuck himself with a toy on the Internet. Kate isn’t a prude but she’s also not the person who considers porn a-okay. The one time he suggested they put on a movie while getting frisky, she gave him that hurt puppy look that he knew meant she couldn’t believe she alone wasn’t enough. Oh boy, did he have news for her!

But no, Kate is a lovely person and Chris doesn’t wish to hurt her. His feelings for her haven’t changed, it’s just that they never were what he wanted them to be in the first place.

She sighs but then seems to ease up anyway. “You work too hard. It won’t kill you to relax a bit more.” 

Chris knows she means well but it’s only the guilt that makes him bite his tongue. He knows he’s just given her a white lie, so he has no right to be upset with her. But even if he had been working all this time, she should know better than to give him a standard issue lecture like this. She’s his girlfriend and supposedly knows him better than anyone, so she knows how much of a perfectionist he is. Besides, he’s never heard her complain about the fancy gifts or spontaneous weekend trips his money afforded her. Money he’s been working hard for. Kate isn’t a gold digger but she takes what she gets and Chris knows that societal standards matter to her. She may have chosen him as a person, but his job sure came as a bonus on top for her. He knows she wants a marriage, a nice home, a family, the whole she-bang, and she needs a partner who’s ready to afford that, not one who’s working towards it. He’s noticed for a while now that Kate is waiting for him to make a move and he guesses she probably has no idea how far away from that they really are.

Luckily, she doesn’t wait for him to reply before she goes on. “Listen, why don’t we go out for dinner tonight? Something nice and quiet. Just you and me and tasty food…”

Chris frowns and looks at his steaming plate of pasta. “Actually, I’m just having dinner.”

“Oh.” He can tell she’s thrown off for a moment and half expects another guilt trip along the lines of why didn’t he invite her over? To which he honestly wouldn’t have a reply good enough. But Kate catches herself and recovers quickly, then goes for another course. “Alright, then how about drinks instead? Come on, it’s been ages since we went out, even longer since it was just you and me.” Which is not his fault because he wasn’t the one bringing along a friend here or a business contact there. But even so, he sees her point and is running out of excuses. Well, excuses that don’t involve his couch, the sports channel and porn.

“Okay, okay. I feel like I gotta stop you before you send me pictures of your best puppy eyes. Give me an hour to eat and get ready, alright?”

Unsurprisingly, Kate agrees with that in an instant and Chris manages to get her off the line rather quickly. He munches away on his pasta while he watches the news without really picking up on anything. The prospect of having to leave the house again is filling him with dread but on the other hand it might just be what he needs. 

After dinner, he rinses his plate and then just leaves it in the sink before he goes to get ready. Standing in his walk-in closet and going over his choice of clothing makes him wonder if maybe he should have asked Kate exactly what she is planning. Drinks are relative with that woman. For Chris, it almost always means a bar and beer, outside of business settings, of course. For Kate it could mean either that or some fancy cocktail bar. Which Chris isn’t sure he would be up for so he decides to take matters into his own hands and dresses in a pair of slacks and a burgundy sweater. Decent but nothing fancy. No way Kate can lure him into anything high profile like this.

She seems to notice as much as soon as she comes downstairs and sees him waiting outside her apartment building. He arrived in a cab, the best excuse not to come upstairs, and now he’s leaning against the side of the car, idly scrolling up and down his Facebook messages without really bothering to read any of them. When he looks up, it’s obvious that she doesn’t agree with his choice of clothing but she says nothing. Kate herself is dressed in one of those smart dresses that look unbelievably perfect on her but could still be worn to almost anything. If they were going to a fancy cocktail bar, it would seem like a confident understatement. He feels that familiar sense of pride bubble up. It’s not like he doesn’t care about her and appreciate her effort to look good for him, even if it’s nothing he ever asked for. It always makes him feel guilty, too, because he knows Kate is pretty much the jackpot as far as girlfriends go and he’s a lucky bastard, completely unworthy of her.

She walks over and soft lips brush over his cheek, leaving a little glossy lipstick trace and Chris is momentarily stunned by a wave of perfume. Kate always smells good, something flowery and sweet and probably expensive, but that, too, comes as a reminder of how feminine his partner really is and it makes him wonder what Sebastian smells like, if he has a signature scent, too.

Nevertheless, Chris is slowly warming up to the idea of spending a night out with Kate. He may not have any real romantic feelings towards her but he still enjoys her company. She’s fun and once they get over the small grudge she still seems to be holding, he knows they’ll have a good time. While he is still thinking of Sebastian and wouldn’t mind a night spent watching his videos all over again, this is probably the healthier, saner way to enjoy his free time.

They get to a bar-slash-restaurant by the harbor that Kate has heard people at work talk about and go for one of the booths that are not meant for dinner guests. Chris watches Kate go straight for the cocktail menu and knows she’ll pick something sweet and possibly colorful. He doesn’t need to check to know he’ll have a beer. His go-to would be a Budweiser - hey, he’s a simple guy with simple needs - but maybe he’ll test one of those dozens of foreign brands he can see advertised on the back of the menu in Kate’s hands. He tries and fails not to wonder what Sebastian would pick, if he drinks alcohol at all. But then he remembers that the kid is 20. Fucking twenty! Not even legal to drink alcohol but very much legal to undress and show his body in all its glorious nudity to pervs like Chris.

It’s hard not to react to that thought with a pained groan but luckily Kate puts the menu away and reaches across the table to hold both his hands in her own. There’s that little smile on her face that lets him know the war is over for now and he returns it. 

“Thanks for agreeing to come out tonight. I missed you. I know you’re working so hard but after all the fuss with Guillermo and the trouble that came with it, well, you know, I really needed to see you.”

And it’s then that the guilt really hits Chris. Because he has no idea who Guillermo is and he only dimly remembers hearing about some kind of trouble at work Kate has mentioned. This must make him the worst boyfriend in history. And it’s nothing to do with Sebastian. If Chris is honest, he stopped listening to Kate, really listening, months ago. It is just one of those things he figured that happened to couples. He remembered his parents before their divorce, how they’d sometimes just talk without listening. But he never really made the connection that those two things, the not listening and the divorce, might have been directly connected. Now, he doesn’t know if he really still wants to be with Kate but what he does know is that she deserves better than to be brushed off and ignored.

Maybe he won’t ever be a good boyfriend for her. But he can try and be a good friend at least.

Now isn’t the time to make any life changing decisions, though. 

“I’m sorry, Katie.” It’s a cheap move, he knows that, because this nickname always makes her melt. Which is funny because she’s so tough and strong and she hates nicknames with a passion. Chris is the opposite, endearments just slip out. He’s regretted a lot of “babies” and “honeys” over the course of their relationship because nothing makes Kate grow cold faster than a cute nickname. But somehow, she melts into a little puddle every time he calls her Katie, a fact Chris has been using to his advantage far too often. 

He turns their hands so he’s holding hers rather than the other way round and brings them to his mouth, placing a kiss on each of them. “I’m here now, okay? So let’s talk. Or not talk but have fun instead. Whatever you need, okay?” Another cheap move is the way he looks up at her. With his lips still touching the smooth skin of her hand, he knows he probably looks like a puppy with his eyes big and round and his brows in that perfectly regretful arch.

Chris knows he’s laying it on thick. Not because he thinks he still has any convincing to do but because the guilt is eating away at him and he wants to hear Kate’s laughter like it is some kind of absolution. And she gives it freely before she moves forward with the conversation.

She does end up telling him more about the situation at work, which he’s pretty sure she’s told him all about before, and he makes some real effort to stay on board with it even though all the “he said that she said that I said” goes right over his head. Afterwards, once Kate has exhausted herself, he tells her a bit about that big case he’s working on. It’s big enough to have made it into the local papers, even though it’s just a small page six headline, which he can tell heightens Kate’s interest but he figures she can also see that he’s not as enthusiastic as usual. She doesn’t comment on it, though, just gives him quizzical looks here and there when she thinks he doesn’t notice.

The evening moves on and Chris finds himself actually having fun. Two hours in, he’s tried four of the foreign beer brands and can’t really remember much about them anymore except that he approved of all of them. He’s eyeing the menu and wonders if he should order another, along with some snack, maybe some fries or onion rings, when Kate excuses herself to the restroom. He gives her a nod and tells her that he’ll pop outside for a smoke. He’s mostly dropped that bad habit but beer still makes him crave a smoke and he usually carries a pack around with him for that purpose.

He’s just stepped outside and put a cigarette between his lips when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He lights up and inhales deeply, sighing at the rough scratch of the smoke, before he pulls his phone out.

It’s late and Chris isn’t expecting anyone to message him, so it wouldn’t be a disaster if he ignored it but since he’s got nothing better to do, it won’t hurt to check. Once he’s unlocked his phone, he finds a new email in his inbox. And his heart skips a beat when he read’s the subject line. _themadhatter uploaded a new video._ It’s ridiculous, really, the effect this short sentence has on him. But that’s nothing compared to the details he finds when he opens that email.

Chris takes another drag of his cigarette as he waits for his phone to load the message’s content which will give him more information. It’s a thank you video, apparently. 4,000 subscribers. And there’s his name. Well, not his real name, but his username. hungryheart. Nothing really makes sense to Chris now that he hears the blood rushing in his ears. He has to see this video. He could do that on his smartphone, of course, but he doubts that porn is the kind of thing people would appreciate him watching right now, especially Kate.

Kate.

He can see her walking towards him, a worried expression on her face and he knows what’s coming.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asks as she comes to a halt in front of him. Their jackets are still inside and he can see her arms twitching with a little shiver. The sensible thing would be to put out his smoke and lead her back inside. But sensible isn’t really where his brain is at right now.

There’s no way in hell he can explain the truth to her, of course not. But telling her nothing isn’t an option either. So he goes for a compromise.

“Yeah, no, something came up in this case, some new information I gotta review as soon as possible.” A white lie, really, nothing too bad. “Do you mind if we wrap this up here?”

Of course she doesn’t mind. Because Kate is an angel and because she’s so serious about her own job that she never even questions matters when things come up in his. In fact, she’s already nodding and on her way back inside to pay for their drinks and get their jackets, even though she doesn’t argue when he puts out his cigarette and follows right behind, then hands over his credit card to the waiter. It’s the least he can do, even though she has no idea what’s up.

Outside, it takes them a while to get a cab and Chris tries to make smalltalk. There are no further questions from Kate regarding this new information because she knows it’s usually classified anyway and Chris is glad for that because he doubts he could come up with anything halfway believable. But talking about random things is just as hard and he ends up kissing her. His arm is wrapped around her waist in a loose kind of way and the kiss is gentle but without much passion, no tongue or sign of either of them taking this further. But it seems just fine for her and when their lips part, there’s this happy little glimmer in her eyes as she looks up at him. Both her hands are on his chest, the fabric of his shirt in a light grasp between her curled fingers.

Chris can see she’s about to say something, and he’s glad when a cab chooses that moment to pull up in front of them. It’s selfish and unfair but he doesn’t want to hear whatever she has to tell him right now, especially not an “I love you”. Not when his mind is in this strange place where he’s thinking about someone else - a freaking camboy! - while he’s kissing her and where he isn’t sure if he could say it back and mean it. Those two are not related, he realizes with a sensation of relief, his feelings for Kate have nothing to do with his obsession with Sebastian, but that doesn’t make any of this easier.

Chris doesn’t want to think about his relationship now, he wants to get home and watch that video and find out why on earth this stupidly gorgeous stranger would even acknowledge his existence.

The ride to Kate’s is spent in silence - amicable, Chris hopes. It isn’t before the car pulls up outside her building that she gives any sign of knowing something’s up. And even then it’s only one of those quizzical looks again as he gets out and holds the door open for her. She says nothing, so he doesn’t either but he can see that she’s not fully sold on his act. The worst part is that she seems to settle for what he’s giving. A strong, independent, wonderful woman like Kate shouldn’t settle on anything. But here she is doing it anyway, and Chris lets her because there’s something more important on his mind.

“I’ll call you,” he promises, deliberately not giving her a timeframe, and moves in to kiss her cheek. She turns her head so the kiss ends up on her lips instead but otherwise does nothing to derail his plan of wrapping this up. 

With a nod she steps back and lets him get into the car. When the door is closed, he can feel her eyes still on him but he makes a point of looking at his phone instead because he doesn’t want to deal with whatever he’ll find in her expression.

The ride home is fast, of course, there’s not much traffic this late, but as far as Chris is concerned, it’s still not fast enough. With his hands clenched into fists, he struggles to refrain from telling the driver to hurry up.

When they pull up outside his home, he doesn’t even listen, just hands the guy some cash which he figures probably includes a tip twice the actual amount he owes him, but Chris doesn’t care. His mind’s already forgotten about it once he reaches his front door and fumbles around for a bit before he manages to unlock it. Nerves and beer are never good to mix. 

He doesn’t even bother to change or get out of his jacket once he’s inside, just walks straight to his desk with long strides and fires up his laptop as he slides into the chair. Again he’s left to wait and he spends that time asking himself why this is rattling him so much. In the end he has to admit that even though Sebastian is insanely attractive and not a guy he’d ever say no to, the anonymity of this whole deal was what had him sold on it all. Chris was one of thousands of screen names this guy got to see on his list of subscribers and really, what did he care? As long as Chris made no conscious decision to reach out to him, he figured he’d be safe, this would be less real, a relationship between consumer and product. He wouldn’t be forced to face his own wants and needs.

Now this, whatever it is, will be a game changer for Chris.

Finally his laptop is ready and he opens the browser and logs into AE. Nothing looks out of the ordinary, no messages or pop-ups. Except for a new video on his dashboard, everything is exactly like the last time he logged in. He’s only following Sebastian and has never had a conversation with other members, so all his dashboard ever shows him is new content from his favourite camboy or the odd AE-related news or new feature. 

The title of the video says _4,000 subs, wow! Thanks @hungryheart!_

Chris’ heart jumps right into his throat but he steels himself, puffs out his cheeks and presses play on the new video. It buffers for a second or two but then there’s Sebastian’s face. His features light up in what’s now a familiar way to Chris when he realizes recording has started and he gives a little wave. “Hey out there!” In earlier videos, Chris has noticed him trying out different endearments for his viewers but nothing seemed to feel quite right to him and now he’s taken to keeping things simple. Chris doesn’t want to be too petty but he prefers this. Because he doesn’t want to hear Sebastian call others the same sweet names as him.

Sebastian is sitting on the edge of his bed, just like in his first video and in his Q&A’s. The background is always the same, of course, but some of the smaller details have changed over time. There’s a new picture in the background now, a space view. The bed has a new comforter, midnight blue with some golden embroidery. And, of course, smaller things like books and trinkets getting moved around on shelves and other surfaces. By now Chris is pretty sure that this is a room Sebastian really lives in, not just some studio he’s created for this purpose.

“So this is a bit of an irregular update, I know.” There’s a smile on his face as usual when he’s talking to the camera, but this time there’s something else playing around the edges, a barely contained excitement. “I’m a little pressed for time because things just got super busy for me but I didn’t wanna miss this opportunity. ‘Cause my channel’s just reached 4,000 subscribers!” Towards the end, his voice gains a pitch or two, volume too, and he throws up his hand with an excited laugh. “Actually, it’s at 4,027 as we speak. Holy fuck, guys! You’re...you’re crazy. But thank you so, so much. And you guys know I missed the last milestones ‘cause of...stuff. But this time I didn’t, so I can tell you exactly who the lucky one of you was that tipped me over the edge.” With a little laugh of his own, Chris watches Sebastian stick out his index fingers and drum them in the air for a second before he adds, “Little drum roll for….hungryheart!” 

His eyes flick down to the screen as if to double check he got it right and he juts his chin forward, presses his lips together and nods in approval. “That’s a great name. You like my shirt?” He sits up a little, pushing his chest out and now Chris can see that he’s wearing a vintage Springsteen shirt, a little washed out, just enough to make it even cooler than it would be anyway. “Can’t go wrong with the Boss, huh?”

Chris laughs and shakes his head as he remembers those to be his exact thoughts when he chose that name. Suddenly everything about this seems strangely intimate. He’s watching a video 4,026 other people have access to but it feels as if Sebastian was talking to nobody but him, as if he knows him and they’re discussing a mutual interest. And Chris finds himself wanting that so badly. Yes, he’d love to sleep with this guy, repeat some of the things he’s watched him do to himself, but sitting down to talk, ask him what his favourite songs are, what other music he likes - Chris wants all of that.

“Uhm...so like I said, I’m super busy at the moment, so I can’t play with you right now.” He actually looks a bit disappointed which either makes him a good actor or the sweetest guy alive. Despite feeling a bit like a creep, Chris wonders what he’s up to that’s keeping him busy. Now that he’s thinking about it, he notices how tired Sebastian looks. The bags under his eyes are puffy and dark, like he’s lost at least a night of sleep. There’s a thin scruff dusting his cheeks and chin, like he couldn’t be bothered shaving for a day or two. And his hair, while never neat to begin with, now doesn’t look like a purposeful mess but just ruffled. His smile, however, is just as bright as ever. 

“But I’ve got a little something for you anyway. It’s pre-recorded and trust me, I’d much rather have some fun now than...well, you know?!” Chris has noticed this a few times in the past few videos. It seems to become increasingly harder for Sebastian not to tell any details he may consider too personal after all. Sometimes Chris wishes he would just talk, come out with it, but there’s another side of him that already cares too deeply and hopes Sebastian is smart enough to keep it this way and not spill any beans he won’t be able to clean up later.

“Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you and celebrate, so...wheee!” He reaches for something just out of sight and then Chris watches as he tosses something up in the air, followed by rainbow glitter confetti flying all around him and settling in his hair and clothes. He looks down at himself and then back at the camera with a silly expression somewhere between a grin and a little half-cringe. “Right. You guys enjoy the following little number and I’ll go get cleaned up.” He salutes the camera and then the screen turns to black for one brief second before he’s back again. It’s clear that this isn’t a recording from the same day. He looks less tired, a little more groomed, and he’s only wearing a pair of white boxer briefs that leave little to imagination. 

The outlines of his dick and balls are clearly visible, erection straining against the thin fabric and Chris would give anything to mouth at its curve, brush his nose along it. He’s noticed that Sebastian loves doing this, getting himself hard inside his underwear and giving his audience a perfect view of it, like a beautiful gift, waiting to be unwrapped by its rightful owner. And god, how much would Chris love to be the one hooking his thumbs into the waistband and slowly tugging it down, revealing dark curls and flushed skin until Sebastian’s cock pops up, bouncing in the air for a moment. As it is, he can only watch as Sebastian does the job himself, leaving Chris’ mouth watering.

Going by kink standards, the video is harmless, just Sebastian jerking off. But the beauty isn’t in how dirty and playful it is, but in how much attention he’s paying to the details with it. Just like he’s taken his sweet time taking his underwear off, he spends a good while teasing himself. Fingers circling the dark areolas and brushing over hard nipples. Palms smoothing over plains and curves. The camera captures it all and Chris wonders if Sebastian has invested in new equipment because he thinks he can see more detail now, skin turning into goosebumps, muscles twitching, small hairs jumping back up after getting smoothed down. 

It feels like Sebastian isn’t just jerking off for the camera, chasing an orgasm and a good cumshot. He’s showing his eager audience how he likes to be touched. No toys, no dirty language or roleplaying, just plain old touches. And what wouldn’t Chris give to follow up on that lesson. He’s soaking it all up, watching intently, his own erection hard and heavy in his palm but not an urgent priority.

The sounds coming from his speakers are just divine. One of the best things about Sebastian’s videos is that he doesn’t get caught up in stupid porn moans. Sometimes he makes no sound at all, letting wet squelches and ruffling sheets speak for him. Other times, like now, there are such pretty little sighs and whimpers and Chris thinks he’ll go insane from listening to them. 

When he comes, it is because he’s watching Sebastian do the same, and he’s overwhelmed by his own climax, looking at the mess he created as if he’d all but forgotten about it.

Chris looks back up at the screen just in time to see Sebastian getting closer to the camera. There’s a small smile and a wink but then the video cuts off without his usual goodbye. Either this video wasn’t meant to be released like this or Sebastian specifically wanted to keep up the beautifully quiet mood until the end.

The stream ends and the screen switches to a number of suggestions for other videos Chris could watch but he doesn’t move, just stares. His mind is officially blown and too much is happening inside his brain for a long moment. This video alone would have killed every coherent thought for him - the raw, beautiful intimacy of it. But together with the little intro - the intro in which Sebastian addressed him, made it clear that he’d noticed him - it’s just a surreal experience for Chris. Once his brain grasps that thought, he laughs at himself because what is he even doing here? Even inside his own mind, he sounds like a schoolgirl attending a boyband concert. Is that what he is? Is he a fan of Sebastian? 

But no, that just feels ridiculous. 

Or does it?

Chris can’t do this. He can’t sit here and let himself fall prey to his own stupid thoughts like that.

Instead, he clicks back to themadhatter’s profile page. Replacing one stupid action with another, he hits the “Send message” button. Because his mama didn’t raise a rude person. The least he can do is thank Sebastian for the kind shoutout. That much, at least, isn’t a lie. Under no circumstances would he, Chris Evans, ever write this guy a message just out of the blue. Chris isn’t saying that it is a bad thing, only he isn’t that kind of person who assumes he has anything of importance to say. Not normally. Now, though, things are different. Now he has something to say.

_Sebastian,_

_I just saw the video you made for me, well, us. First of all, congratulations on hitting 4,000 subscribers. You’re amazing and deserve so many more, so here’s to the next few thousands._

_I was surprised to hear the little shoutout you gave and I thought I’d take this opportunity to say thank you for the warm welcome. Needless to say, this wasn’t necessary but much appreciated._

_I loved the shirt, by the way. Let that inspire me to be so bold and ask for your favourite song? Maybe that’s a question for one of your future Q &A’s._

_Best wishes,_

_Chris_

_P.S. This is my real name because it feels right to sign this as myself. I hope you understand that I prefer to go by my username outside of personal messages. :)_

Chris reads the message again and again. He deletes the smiley face, then types it again. It’s silly but it also adds some lightness to what otherwise feels too heavy. 

The cursor is hovering over the send button and for one uncertain moment, Chris wants to slam his laptop shut and pretend none of this ever happened. But then he closes his eyes, squeezes them shut and clicks the mouse button. When he opens them again, his text is gone and replaced by a ‘message sent’ confirmation.

Now he does close the laptop and pushes himself up from the chair. His pants are sticky and he needs to get out of them. He smells of beer, smoke and shame. Next stop: Drowning himself in the shower and pretending he isn’t itching to check his messages compulsively.


	3. Chapter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Much to Chris' surprise, his favourite camboy has taken a real interest in him. And suddenly things don't seem so anonymous anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm so sorry for my slow writing. Thank you for commenting and being so patient with me.
> 
> There's a little bit of kink in this chapter but sorry, loves, we're definitely in for a slow ride. The next chapter's gonna hurt both of them (and me) quite a bit, so yikes!

Chris lights up and inhales deeply while he lets himself fall back into the deck chair. It creaks suspiciously under his weight but he’s spent a fortune on those chairs so they better survive whatever way his ass chooses to seat itself in them. He exhales and squints through the smoke. Autumn’s definitely here now but the week’s graced Boston with bright blue skies and mild weather. It rained a little bit earlier but it’s still relatively warm. Enough so for Chris to come out into the backyard to catch some air. Which is Chris language for having a smoke or two.

He’s spent most of the day so far working, actually working. Once he’d told himself that checking his messages compulsively would not make a reply come in faster, it was surprisingly easy to stay away from AE. As soon as there’s something new from Sebastian, he’ll be notified by email anyway.

Only there’ve been no emails. The first couple hours this morning were tough and Chris needed a lot of coffee to distract himself. Now he can feel his heart racing from all the caffeine but it helped and he finished everything on his agenda for the day. 

He’s also thrown in a run. When he’d finished working on his case earlier than expected, all that energy and the caffeine buzz had left him feeling restless, so he’d dug out a pair of sweatpants and a ridiculously tight shirt and hit the streets. Chris used to love running and he isn’t sure why he hasn’t done it in so long. At some point he’d joined a local gym and had kept up a healthy balance of lifting and cardio but then, with his job picking up pace, he’d only really kept up the lifting. It’s quicker, the results are more satisfying and he’s found a few workout buddies to pass the time with. For every minute spent doing some lifting, there are another two of them just smack talking each other. But now Chris realizes that running gives him a certain balance and relaxation which he’s been missing without noticing.

The downside is that his fitness isn’t where it used to be, so after an hour, he’s now back home, sweat-soaked shirt clinging to his broad chest even more than usual and indulging in his favourite bad habit. Smoking after a run - good job, Evans!

He feels a bit gross and smelly but at the same time, this is nice. Sitting outside in the clean, fresh air, feeling his muscles burn and quiver a bit, that sense of accomplishment filling him, of knowing that he’s finished everything he’d meant to do and can relax now.

Chris’ mind has just reached the edges of plans for the immediate future - Shower, dinner, football - when his phone buzzes in his pocket.

He fishes around for it while taking another long pull of his cigarette and squints at the screen as he exhales. 

And just like that all the calm leaves his body and gets replaced by an excited hum.

AE’s just informed him that he has a new message from themadhatter.

Sebastian.

Chris doesn’t even bother logging out after using his account on his phone anymore, so his AE inbox is right there as he opens his browser and all he has to do is click on the new message.

The subject says the boss and stuff, which makes Chris laugh. He also sees that Sebastian is one of those people who type entire messages in lowercase characters. Normally that would annoy him but like so many other things, he finds it endearing with this guy.

_chris,_

_hey! i didn’t expect you to react to my video but this is a pleasant surprise. you actually...talked to me, wow._

What does that mean, Chris wonders. Who wouldn’t want to talk to this little sunshine? Chris figured that Sebastian would get swamped in messages every day, and maybe he does, but this sounds like he isn’t exactly having thrilling conversations on here. A strange sense of pride fills him at the prospect that he’s done something to give Sebastian a pleasant surprise.

_you wanna know my fave song by the boss? hmm. is it cheap when i say hungry heart is up there? cause it is! coulda answered that in a video, yeah, but i kinda wanted to message you back and shamelessly hope you write again._

_i get that you wanna stay anonymous on this website. i would too if...y’know, my mug wasn’t all over my videos anyway. can i ask you stuff though? like who you are, where you’re from, that kinda stuff? it’s okay if that’s too much. just cause you saw me naked doesn’t mean we know each other. but imma call you chris anyway. :P_

Chris laughs at this because yes, he definitely wants Sebastian to call him Chris - amongst other things, he’s only a guy after all - and he likes the way he writes, just like he talks, in this happy and unfiltered kind of way.

_so i’m gonna go now, chris. cause i gotta make another video. hey what’s your fave? anything you wanna see in the future? i can make an exception and fulfill a wish for free...if you’re nice to me._

_sebastian xx_

Chris reads the message again because this seems like one of those weirdly surreal things. Sebastian’s message sounds as if Chris had just given him the gift of life instead of writing a ridiculous fanboy message. Like he’s genuinely happy about it. And he doesn’t even know who Chris is, for all he knows he could be talking to a morbidly obese grandpa who lives with thirty-three cats and started feeling kinda lonely. 

But this is also the rare free gift situation that you don’t want to question because hey, it fell into your lap.

His fingers are itching to write back but his mind works itself into a frenzy and he knows he’ll have to think this through. Writing an excited spontaneous reply will mean that he’ll spend the rest of the day overanalyzing everything he wrote. Questions of _Do I seem too eager?_ will keep him up all night. And he hates typing on his phone anyway. Clumsy thumbs make his anxiety bubble up.

So he pushes his phone back into his pocket and lights up another cigarette. Sits and just revels in the warm feeling Sebastian’s message gave him. _Little sunshine_ , crosses Chris’ mind again and he immediately tries to erase that thought but can’t because there’s so much truth in it, no matter how sappy and silly it is.

***

The next morning has Chris lounging in his huge office chair and staring at his screen. He’s typed out a response to Sebastian but finds himself hung up on the last part. A wish? Does that mean he could ask for anything at all? Something kinky, probably. He guesses that’s what Sebastian was hinting at and what he expects to hear. Would he be surprised to see Chris struggling with this? Not for any lack of ideas because there’s plenty he’d love to watch Sebastian do to himself - repeatedly. But the things that come to his mind right now are all PG. And every single one of them belongs in the category of things he doesn’t want to share with the world, so he won’t ask Sebastian to do them in a video anyone can watch. 

Thing is, Chris knows the look on his face when he’s being penetrated by something vaguely penis-shaped, he knows the pretty noises he makes when he comes and at any given moment, Chris’ mind can conjure up a mental image of Sebastian’s body in so much more detail than he could if he was asked to imagine Kate’s. What he wants now are personal things to match this information. He wants to know where Sebastian grew up, and how. He’d like to ask him about the origin of little scars he’s seen here and there. He wants to ask him if his tan skin is sign of a foreign heritage. And so much more. Chris knows that he’d probably get an answer to at least half of these questions because a lot of them are Q&A material. But Chris wants to know for himself, not share the information with the rest of the world.

When he’s finished his last sip of coffee, he decides to settle for the middleground. 

_It is a bit strange asking intimate things of you when we don’t know each other so well. I feel a bit like I’m exploiting you. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s your job and you don’t mind. I’m a weird guy, alright, so humor me here._

_However, there’s something I’ve been wondering about. I’ve watched you play with your nipples a lot, even when it wasn’t the actual subject of the video. Kinda seems like you’re really into that? Is there a particular reason? Are they really sensitive? So, I’d love to watch you play with them some more, only them. Some pain if you’re up for it, see how much you can take, but I get no pleasure from torturing you, so I don’t want you to do so, either. Just do what feels good and let me watch._

There. That’s how far Chris will let his curiosity wander here. To be fair, this isn’t as pressing as the other things he wants to know but he has found himself wondering about it a lot, has followed Sebastian’s fingers as they brushed over and pinched his dark and perky buds and fantasized about doing the same. Like so many of the things he’s watched him do, it never seemed like he was putting on a show, doing it because he thought his audience wanted to see that. On the contrary, Chris likes to imagine that it is something he does subconsciously. The way it happened more often the closer Sebastian got to a release seemed proof of that.

He finishes typing his message - seven paragraphs, several hundred words, probably way too much - and sends it before he can chicken out and write something more appropriate for the occasion but dumb like _Uh, fuck yourself with a cucumber, k?_ \- and he knows this would seem very likely because he’s read some of the comments under the videos, has always read them in a dumb as fuck cartoon voice inside his own head. It would cause him almost physical pain to act like that but it would also be less revealing.

Now it’s time for him to play the distraction game again. Checking the time - almost ten - he figures he should probably show his face in the office again. A law firm isn’t the most relaxed place to work at but the partners are pretty alright with people working from wherever as long as results come in and the important meetings are attended by everyone. But Chris hasn’t really checked in in almost a week now and it’s time to do so. His secretary, Annie, would let him know if there was anything important demanding his immediate attention but still…

An hour later, dressed in one of his expensively tailored suits and seated in his comfortable leather chair behind his shiny mahogany desk, it’s even more surreal to think that it is a camboy several years his junior occupying a big part of his brain. 

But it only takes ten minutes before Jake’s ass is firmly planted on said shiny desk surface and his mouth is firing new, rather intimate details about his week so far in Chris’ general direction. Jake has the ability to come sniff him out through walls and closed doors and it rarely takes him more than minutes to weasel his way into Chris’ office. Chris doesn’t really mind because, annoying as he may be sometimes, Jake is a good guy and fun to hang out with.

He almost-listens to twenty minutes of the Jake Show while simultaneously fooling around on his laptop until he realizes that his surroundings have become suspiciously silent. Looking up, he finds his co-worker glaring at him, eyes narrowed to slits. 

“What?” Fun and bubbly as Jake may be most of the time, the look on his face right now is making Chris sweat. Disgustingly so. Already, there’s an uncomfortable patch breaking out on the small of his back. His mind fumbles around for any incident, minor or not, in the past week or so that may have angered the guy but he comes up blank.

“Something’s up,” Jake finally says with an annoyed little click of his tongue. 

Ah, Chris realizes, his friend has smelled blood and predictably, it ruffles his feathers that he can’t tell what’s up. This, of course, does nothing to soothe Chris’ nerves. Because Jake is like a bloodhound where gossip is concerned. He needs to know, like other people need to breathe. 

Chris is playing it cool, because he has no idea what else to do. He looks up at Jake, lids and thick lashes lifting at a slow, calculated pace to give him what Chris hopes is a completely unperturbed look. “You’re being ridiculous.”

He wishes he could keep looking at him like that just a bit longer, keep up the pretense but no, one second more and he’ll crumble under the weight of that scrutinizing stare. Jake is better at this game, Chris knows that, they both know. But on the flipside, Chris’ lips are sealed shut once he puts his mind to it, so all Jake can do right now, even though there’s no way he doesn’t pick up on Chris’ discomfort, is nod and point a finger at him as he slowly backs out of his office.

“I’ll find out what you’re hiding, Evans.” Somehow he manages to walk backwards all the way out of the office without bumping into anything and damn, why is he so good at this game?

Once he’s out of sight, Chris blows out his cheeks and exhales slowly. This isn’t good. Apart from his brother, Jake is the worst person to know about this. He wouldn’t tell Kate, of course not, but he’d love this, have an absolute field day if he found out that Chris was crushing on a guy. A guy who’s a camboy on the very website he recommended. He’d never let Chris live that down and he’d bring up all the points and questions that Chris has been trying to avoid so far.

And anyway, out of the two of them, Chris is the voice of reason.

But right now, there’s nothing he can do about it, so he pushes that thought to the back of his mind. If all else fails, he’ll just pack his stuff and move to Canada. That almost seems like a reasonable decision.

Chris goes back to fumbling around on his laptop but really, he’s just opening the same emails over and over again. None of them are particularly urgent, so he finally contents himself with shooting a quick ‘I’m on it’ reply to all of them and then goes to make a few calls, nothing big, just scheduling a few meetings, calling a few places to get the same information he already had. Trying to make his trip to the office worth it by doing some actual work.

He’s almost managed to get his mind interested in actually cooperating again when his phone buzzes with another email. 

Sebastian.

Dammit. Can he possibly go check his AE inbox on corporate wifi? Chris knows the IT guy, of course, and figures he doesn’t give a damn who uses the Internet for whatever but in his mind, he still toys with the possible scenario of sirens going off in all offices. “Attention, employees, Chris Evans just opened a gay porn website on his phone!”

He stares at the email for a long moment but then curiosity wins over common sense and he clicks on the link that takes him straight to his inbox.

_chris,_

_i’m bored and i was wondering...would you enjoy a private show?_

_sebastian xx_

And then there’s a link that looks like it’ll take Chris to one of those private video conference sites. He can’t do this here, he knows this, and goddammit, he’s never hated being a professional as much as he does right now.

But maybe…?!

_Sebastian,_

_Hey! Damn, I’m in the office but I could make it home in about twenty minutes. Probably too long, eh?_

_I’m sorry :(_

_Chris_

He hasn’t even shut his phone off when there’s a reply. Just two words.

_i’ll wait_

Chris is pretty sure he’s never done anything as quickly as he’s closing his laptop and hightailing it out of his office right now. 

He slows down a little bit when he passes Annie’s desk. “Sorry, forgot about an appointment. Call me if you need me, k?” He gives her the best smile he can muster right now but it still ends up feeling like a _I’m up to something sketchy_ grimace. The great thing about Annie is, she’s nothing if not professional, so she doesn’t even blink. It leaves Chris with a distinctly guilty feeling, like knowing you’re lying to your mom and that she’s figured you out but letting you off the hook anyway because she’s nice and kind and an overall better person than you are.

With his secretary’s silent approval in his pocket, Chris manages to behave like a somewhat decent human being. He greets people in the elevator, does not break into a run downstairs in the carpark and actually comes to a stop when traffic lights turn red instead of flooring it. It has to count for something. He’s got this, he’s an adult.

Once home, though, kicking his shoes off, shrugging out of his suit jacket and loosening his tie counts as undressing and he only barely remembers to grab his tablet from the coffee table where he left it earlier. The battery’s down to 44% but he hopes it’ll do and Sebastian won’t witness him fumbling around with the charger.

He flings himself onto his bed while the link from the email is already loading. The fingers of one hand fight a battle against the first three buttons of his shirt. It’s a narrow win but a win nonetheless. Somewhat satisfied with the level of comfort for now, he reaches back to fluff up a pillow and settles with the tablet on his chest.

The link takes him to a login site asking for his AE details, and then to confirm that payment will be made with his standard credit card. Chris doesn’t think twice before he agrees to anything. If the site had asked him to donate his liver, he wouldn’t even have blinked. Weirdly, this doesn’t feel like he’s buying something from Sebastian, even though he is.

But what’s next does surprise him. The screen where he’s probably gonna see Sebastian in a moment is in the background but he can’t reach the play button before making the decision of turning his own cam on or not. Momentarily thrown off, Chris stares at his tablet as if it had set itself to another language, one he kinda understands but can’t translate into actions. 

After a second or two, his finger is hovering over the No button when something moves on the right side of the screen. The large white bar turns out to be a chat and it isn’t empty anymore. There’s a written line now, on the bottom.

_**themadhatter:** there u are. u gotta click play._

Still feeling a bit gobsmacked, it takes Chris a moment to figure out how to reply.

_**hungryheart:** it wants to activate my cam_

_**themadhatter:** u don’t have 2. if u don’t wanna._

Okay, that’s good, Chris thinks and is just about to hit No when…

_**themadhatter:** kinda curious how handsome u r  
 **themadhatter:** no pressure tho!!!_

Chris goes with the good old ‘act before you think’ method and hits Yes, then launches into a moment of full, sweaty panic. The website is kind enough to grant him a few seconds while it loads. What is he doing here? It’s Sebastian, yes. _Sea Breeze Boy_. But it’s also a complete stranger. What if there’s someone with him? What if he records it or takes screenshots and then blackmails him? Could he do that? _Would_ he do that? Chris’ heart votes no but his mind is that of a lawyer who’s worked hard to get people out of far worse situations caused by betrayal.

“Wow, that’s one worried face,” a voice pulls him back from the edge just as he was ready to do a swan dive right into the great big pool of anxiety. “Super handsome, though, so I was right.”

Chris looks up and only notices how hard he must have been biting his lip once he lets go and feels the soft tingle of blood flowing back into it. He must look like a fool, staring at his screen like that but… Sebastian is flawless. As usual. But he’s also right there, talking to him and him alone, not a recording and not viewable by anyone else. 

And he’s seeing him back. 

Okay, that part’s a bit scary, so Chris pushes it to the back of his mind.

“Hey, I...sorry. No, I mean, thank you. I was just…”

“Getting nervous about letting me see you?” How is this possible? How can a stranger know him so well? Extremely well, actually, because Chris doesn’t remember anyone ever picking up on that side of him so fast and so nonchalantly before. Sebastian isn’t teasing him or making fun of him, he just...gets it.

“Really, it’s fine. It’s just me who can see you,” Sebastian goes on and Chris can’t tell if it’s what he’s saying or the smooth sound of his voice but he finds himself relaxing and gives a little nod.

“Okay. Yeah. I’m sorry, this is just new, so I wasn’t sure.” He gives a little sideways tilt of his head and a shrug to show that he knows he’s overanalyzing this.

Now that he can focus on anything else but the lawyer side of his brain telling him off for being reckless, he notices that Sebastian must be in the same room he knows from the videos but the angle’s different, so it seemed unfamiliar at first. While usually he seems to be filming himself with a camera or webcam somewhere on a surface facing the side of his bed, it must be in his hand now. And instead of sitting sideways, he’s stretched out on the bed with his back resting against the headboard. Or, well, he’s getting there because Chris watches the picture moving and blurring a little while Sebastian gets comfortable, fluffing up pillows and finally leaning back against them with a satisfied sigh. He’s not sitting up straight but not lying down either, somewhere in a reclined position that shouldn’t look as enticing as it does. 

“You know,” he says, then frowns, reaches back and adjusts his pillow some more before he goes on, “I think that’s smart. Doing what I do, I guess you just forget that normal people don’t just get on webcam with strangers. Especially round here.” For a moment, something flashes in his eyes and Chris wonders if he’d imagined it. The webcam picture is pretty clear thanks to the wonders of modern technology and fast Internet but there’s still a million and one things he thinks he might see that aren’t really there. Not to mention that Sebastian is, after all, still a stranger. 

“You’re right,” he replies, marveling at how easy this is, not awkward like he worried it would be. He’s glad Sebastian’s still dressed and didn’t welcome him with his cock out, too. Chris isn’t sure he would have been able to handle it right now. “I’m a lawyer, you know, so I get to deal with other people’s bad decision making a lot.”

Chris isn’t sure why he decided to share things about his life in the first place. Maybe it was another one of those bad decisions he may regret later, like getting on cam with Sebastian. But talking to him feels comfortable, just like messaging with him did. Sebastian is the kind of person that makes you feel welcome and like you will never be judged by him. And Chris doesn’t think it’s part of an act anymore. He wouldn’t need to give people that level of comfort to get them to watch his videos. 

Now he watches as one of those big toothy smiles appears on the boy’s face, one that makes him seem even younger than he is. Carefree, happy, like a kid that has a whole exciting life ahead of him. Which he does, Chris scolds himself. Just because he jerks off in front of a webcam doesn’t mean he’s one of those tragic lost souls.

“So I’ll come to you if anyone ever refuses to pay for my services here?” Fuck, this boy is just too damn adorable and Chris is tempted to tell him to come to him for anything, no matter what or when.

Instead, he gives an apologetic little shrug and tugs his chin to his chest, peeking up at the camera through his thick lashes. “I’m not really that kinda lawyer. But I may make an exception if you promise to smile like that more often.” Right. So much for not overstepping any boundaries and being just too damn much. Good call, Evans!

But he can’t really stay mad at himself now because his little comment helps to widen the smile on Sebastian’s face, eyes sparkling as he gives one of those little giggles again. “You’re a charmer, Chris.” It sounds like something he’s trained himself to say to his devoted viewers, and yet like something about it is unfamiliar to him now. Chris wants to believe it is because it’s the first time he means it but really, who is he kidding here? Theoretically, he knows that he’s nothing to Sebastian, just a paying customer. But his face still thinks this is a good time to turn scarlet red which must translate only too well on cam because he’s rewarded with the sweetest little “Aww, don’t blush” from Sebastian.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” Chris says and flips to his stomach, holding his tablet up with both hands and noticing too late that this is the typical smitten schoolgirl pose. “I will blush at any given opportunity. It’s just something my face does. There’s no way to control it. I’ll also be awkward and fumble for words and they’ll still come out wrong which will make me blush even more. I know it’s freakish and I apologize in advance for every single time it happens.”

Chris is half serious, at least, because this is kind of awkward and he has no idea why he’s even saying all of this. But when he finally stops talking and dares look at the screen to see a reaction, Sebastian has slumped further down and is howling with laughter. “This is awesome,” he wheezes before erupting again. Chris doesn’t know if he’s laughing at him or what he said but for the first time in his life it doesn’t make him feel anxious. Sebastian’s laugh is infectious and Chris finds himself joining him.

“God, I’m so sorry…” he finally forces out, wiping at his eyes, “I have no idea why that happened.”

“No no no,” Seb interrupts wildly waving a hand around which appears as a big blurry spot on the webcam image. “It’s fine. It-it’s fine. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just really kinda cute how you’re explaining this to me. Like a PSA or something.” He’s still giggling and Chris finds himself smitten with the laugh lines around his eyes.

“Yeah, I tend to do that,” he says with a lazy smile playing around his lips.

“That’s actually pretty cute. You know, considering you’re a lawyer and all.”

Chris can’t argue with that, so he only sways his head from side to side in a vague gesture. He’s always wondered about it, too. Not that he’d complain about being able to do his job without his anxiety issues interfering. 

“You’re pretty surprising, Chris.”

“Oh?” Now this gets his attention because Sebastian’s voice actually sounds genuine. And a surprise suggests that there was some kind of expectation before which kind of fucks with Chris’ mind, to assume this guy gave him much thought in the first place. “What’s the surprise?” If the picture on Sebastian’s end isn’t clear enough to show the massive wet patch of sweat on his forehead, Chris may actually get away with making this sound like a casual question.

“Well, for starters, you’re hot,” Sebastian says matter-of-factly and then, before Chris can protest, adds, “like, really, really hot. Let’s not kid ourselves, most of my viewers are probably the much older and much less mindful of their appearance kind. I’m not special. I’m just some guy who’s lucky enough to be easy on the eye, so people will pay to watch me jerk off while doing the same. It’s just porn. But you...geez, I don’t know if our roles shouldn’t be reversed here. I’ve watched porn with guys less attractive than you in it.”

It’s too much. All of this is too much and it has Chris’ face burning and his heart flailing aimlessly while his brain fumbles for a rhyme or reason here. There’s so much flattery in all of this and he can’t grasp the fact that this beautiful human being would think of him as ‘really, really hot’. But at the same time, he’s also burning up with shame because Sebastian’s right, he’s paying money to watch him jerk off.

“So you’re saying there must be a reason why I’m desperate.” He tries for a casual tone and actually succeeds with that because who is he even kidding? Of course he’s desperate and he’s accepted that fact when he signed up on that website. They shouldn’t make you agree to their terms and conditions, but instead make you confirm that you understand that your dignity is about to hit rock bottom.

Sebastian shrugs, his lips pursed in a dismissive expression. “No, I’m just saying I don’t get it. People must be lining up to be with you.”

Now it is Chris’ time to shrug. He’s flattered but he also knows the truth, that no, people aren’t exactly lining up to be with him, especially not the people he could picture himself with. He’s tempted to tell Sebastian all about it. About Kate and how he adores her, admires her even, but how he’s simply not attracted to her, not in the way that he should be. Chris wants to tell him about his fears and worries, about the fact that his whole world will come crashing down around him if he lets go and decides to come out.

But he can’t. Sebastian doesn’t need to know any of this. And even just the thought of saying out loud what he didn’t even dare think so far ties Chris’ throat and renders him speechless for a moment.

“Huh, seems like flattery will get me nowhere with you,” Sebastian is saying now. Clearly, he’s misread Chris’ silence as modesty, maybe even shyness and Chris wants to correct him but at the same time he’s just grateful for the opportunity to drop the subject. “Maybe we should focus on your request instead.”

“My request?” For a brief second, Chris panics that he may have slipped and said something stupid. When he gets nervous, his mouth has free reign. 

“Your message? The nipple thing?” There’s a flicker of doubt in Sebastian’s look right now.  
“Oh.” It dawns on Chris and there’s another wave of heat creeping up. That message. The ‘Play with your nipples’ message. If he’s honest, he didn’t expect Sebastian to bring it up in this video call. He’d almost forgotten about it entirely. It probably hadn’t been what Sebastian expected at all and so he must have dismissed it. But here they are and Sebastian is looking a little out of his game now, a look that tears at Chris’ heartstrings because it is so cute but at the same time he doesn’t want him to ever feel like anything he does or says isn’t exactly the thing Chris wants right then and there. 

“I see. Well, am I getting my answer now?” Something about this situation makes him feel a little more bold now and he even manages to put on a teasing smile, as if trying to coax Sebastian out of a shell he has no reason to hide in in the first place.

Instead of a verbal response, Sebastian tucks his chin to his chest and looks down his own body for a moment before he sits up. He seems to put the phone down because after some chaotic blur, all Chris can see is a white ceiling, some shelves and the wild fumbling of arms struggling with a shirt. When Sebastian picks the phone up again, he’s topless. And that alone would have Chris fumbling for words. But what’s really circuiting his brain now is something else. The perky nipples he’s admired so often are now adorned by small black clamps. Even though they’re not the sharp kind with teeth, it looks uncomfortably tight and Chris is pretty sure the buds are even darker than usual. The cutest thing, though, are the small black hearts that dangle from thin silver chains attached to the clamps, two on each side. 

There’s a long moment of silence during which Chris’ brain is trying to remember what words are and Sebastian seems to grow increasingly nervous, until he can’t seem to bear it any longer.

“Thought about replying to your message but then figured you may wanna see for yourself,” Sebastian says, making himself flinch a little by flicking the hearts on one side, making them dangle and swing. “They’re not very heavy,” he explains, and Chris wonders if he’s read his mind because he was wondering just how much discomfort they were bringing him, “but I’ve been wearing these for a while and it’s getting quite uncomfortable. Didn’t know when you could make it, so I’ve been sitting around with them on for longer than planned.”

Chris nods in response and belatedly notices that his mouth is agape and he probably looks pretty dumb. “I...wow, I didn’t see that one coming.” 

“But it’s the good kind of surprise?” Sebastian asks, giving the same teasing treatment to the other nipple.

“The best kind. You’re gorgeous,” Chris replies, the stir in his groin making him a little more breathless. He shifts, trying to ease the strain on the growing bulge in his pants and resists the urge to give it a good squeeze.

He wants to reach through that screen so badly, put his palm on Sebastian’s sternum to feel the warm skin, then move it slowly, fingers running through the soft fuzz of dark hair, caressing his chest without touching his nipples. If they’re really sensitive, Sebastian would feel them try to harden further anyway, which would translate into a hot burning sensation in the firm grip of the clamps.

When his gaze moves up to Sebastian’s face, he’s surprised to find him flushed, a shy smile playing around his lips. “You like that? When I compliment you?” Chris’ voice sounds husky now, even to his own ears, but he can’t help himself. He feels so close to Sebastian, despite the physical distance between them, their only way of communication being a video chat line. One that he’s paying for. Curiously so, not even this thought is making the connection between them right now feel less intense.

Sebastian nods and there’s that hint of shyness again. Not an act, Chris finally decides. This is really new to Sebastian. Not being complimented, definitely not. But being asked about his own likes.

“You like being praised, feeling appreciated.” This time it isn’t a question because there’s not a doubt in Chris’ mind about it, but Sebastian still nods in response. He’s looking down at his own lap now and Chris can’t see his lips move but he thinks he hears a soft “Yes”. 

A flurry of words bubbles up Chris’ throat. He wants to tell Sebastian how much he really appreciates him, that he wants to give him that and that he wants to write fucking odes to him, give him all the praise he could ever want or need. Probably more than he would ever want or need, actually. 

But the situation seems fragile, somehow new and exciting and scary to both of them, and Chris is afraid of saying too much.

He swallows hard, glad that Sebastian can’t see it, nor the little worried expression flashing in his eyes. The last thing he wants is to appear insecure now. He needs to be reassuring for Sebastian right now, even though he can’t explain where that strong urge came from.

“Pull on them,” he orders and jumps a little at his own strict tone. It’s enough to convince himself, so Sebastian has no chance of figuring out the insecurity behind it and Chris feels a little spark of pride when he sees his head shoot up, eyes wide as they stare at the phone in his hand. 

For a second he seems unsure, obviously trying to adapt to the situation and deciding how to handle it. Chris assumes this isn’t completely new to him, paying viewers trying to give him orders. But this is different, they both know it is. Chris wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t think this is what Sebastian wants and needs. 

Chris’ tongue comes out to flick over his full bottom lip, followed by his teeth chewing distractedly while he watches a hand reaching for the dangling stars on the left. It’s careful in the way it holds onto them, keeping them in a light grip and just holding on for a second before something seems to snap inside Sebastian, a decision being made, and he gives a sharp tug. It isn’t hard enough to make the clamp lose its grip on the dark nipple but definitely enough for stormy eyes to close and full red lips to part in a silent moan.

Chris admires the view but won’t give him a break so soon.

“The other side,” he says, palming his own erection and giving it a rub. Impossibly so, his voice is a notch darker now and the words come more easily.

Sebastian complies again, like Chris knew he would. Only this time the reaction isn’t soundless. There’s a single little breathless sound, close to a whimper, and Chris knows it isn’t from the discomfort alone. Sebastian wants this, he needs this, probably even more than Chris needs it, and isn’t that a mindfuck on its own?

Sebastian’s hand remains in the air, still holding onto the hearts but not pulling, unsure what to do. Should he go on, give Chris a show? Will there be more orders? Is this it? His eyes are still closed, as if he’s afraid that if he opens them, he won’t like what he’ll see.

“Seb,” Chris says sharply but not unkindly, “look at me.” 

Again, Sebastian does as he’s told, more slowly this time. But then his eyes are fully open and find Chris looking right back, separated by miles and yet right there in front of him. He doesn’t say anything and yet so much, communicating with his eyes in a way Chris has never witnessed before. There’s so much worry in them but also a silent plea, hungry and raw.

“Good boy,” Chris says, at the same time surprised by the words coming from his own mouth, unplanned and not carefully chosen, and yet knowing they’re exactly right. Sebastian seems to agree, guessing by the way his mouth goes slack and his eyes glaze over. 

He’s rewarded with a sharp exhale that may have become a laugh if Sebastian hadn’t bitten his lip to stop the full glee from showing on his face. Still, he can control his mouth but not his eyes, and they’re sparkling brightly now. “You make me feel really good, Chris.”

The use of his name softens Chris’ expression further and he gives a little nod. “Good,” he says before they both fall silent for a long moment, just looking at each other. Chris can’t help but notice that there’s a silent plea in Sebastian’s eyes, timid and too shy to be voiced but impatient and hungry all the same. And he’s only too glad to satisfy that need.

“Now be good for me some more and take them off,” he says. It’s wild how quickly he’s found the right voice for this, gentle and encouraging but leaving no doubt to the fact that he’s in control here. It’s also fucking with his mind that this reminds him of his job. Apparently, with the right person, the courtroom isn’t the only place where Chris can drop his anxiety and swap it for a surer stance.

“Okay,” Sebastian says and it only takes one look at Chris’ raised eyebrow for him to clear his throat and correct himself. “Yes...Sir?” 

The question mark is audible and Chris gives it a moment for Sebastian to taste the word in his mouth and for himself to play with it inside his head before he gives a little nod. He likes the sound but isn’t sure if he really deserves the authority. Sebastian seems to like it, though, judging by the way that one little syllable changed his entire demeanor. He seems to shrink in size and grow a little softer. His eyes aren’t looking directly at the camera anymore, only briefly looking up at the screen to gauge Chris’ reaction here and there.

Chris didn’t think Sebastian could get any cuter, but here he is, combining cute and hot so effortlessly. It’s an intoxicating combination, one that leaves him with a constant hunger for more.

And Sebastian doesn’t leave him to starve. His hand seems to be exploring and Chris isn’t sure if this is for show or not, but he takes it anyway, admiring the way he’s caressing his chest with his palm. It brushes over bumps and plains and Chris tries to imagine what the soft dusting of dark hair would feel like under his own touch. Sebastian makes himself gasp by flicking his little finger against one of the dangling hearts and the sound pulls the corners of Chris’ mouth up into a fond smile. 

“Go on,” he orders, voice still soft because he knows he won’t need a stricter tone to reach Sebastian. Sure enough, soft fingers are reaching for one of the clamps. Chris can see him taking a breath to steel himself and then he pinches the small metal piece to release his poor abused nipple. The discomfort must be greater than expected because there’s a tiny whine and Sebastian drops the item to press his palm against the sore bud.

“Shh, it’s fine, just go slow,” Chris whispers soothingly, truly feeling for the poor guy. Wishing he was there in person to give soft kisses and tender caresses, Chris knows all he has to offer now are words. He wonders how often Sebastian has used them before. Clearly he seems overwhelmed by the amount of pain the release can cause. It’s probably worse than what he felt when he applied them before. But after more small, hushed whispers, Sebastian’s fine again and ready to tackle the other side. He’s a little more hesitant now, stalling and closing his eyes for a moment, but then he releases the other bud and instantly reaches for it, like he did with the other before.

The look on his face when he’s done and facing the camera is priceless, all big eyes and silently asking for praise. Which Chris is only too willing to give.

“Good boy,” he says again, taking a moment to stare shamelessly. “You’re doing so well.”

Chris wants to ask more of him, wants to watch him give himself pleasure and hear the musical sounds of his moans and whimpers. But then it occurs to him that there is such a thing as too fast. Neither of them knows what’s going on here and they both need to give each other time to process it. He’s sure that Sebastian knows just as well as him that this is beyond the relationship between performer and audience by now and he has to be as overwhelmed as him.

“That’s enough for now,” he says, earning himself a disbelieving stare and a little gasp in protest.

“But...but why? You didn’t enjoy that?” 

Did Chris imagine that or was Sebastian’s bottom lip quivering a bit? He can’t be sure, just like he can’t exactly tell if his eyes really just grew a little wider. And still, he reminds him of a lost puppy now, a look that suits him and is mind numbingly cute, but Chris still rushes to explain himself.

“Hey, no pouting! I said for now. I fully intend to continue this little game. But you gotta be good for that, greedy boys get nothing.”

Whether it’s his choice of words or the hint at more of the same fun later Chris can’t tell, but the look in Sebastian’s eyes grows a little darker and hungrier, like he can barely contain himself but will if that means a reward.

“So you wanna do this again?” he asks, probably needing a final little confirmation that yes, Chris is still very much hung up on him and he’s not gonna disappear from his life as soon as they end the video chat.

Actually, he looks so eager and so excited that it makes Chris laugh. “Yes,” he confirms, his beard creating a scratchy sound as it rubs against his palm when he runs it over his face, “yes, Seb, I’d very much love to do this again. And if you’re good, you’ll get a tiny bit more every time. You like that?”

The look on his face suggests that yes, he would very much enjoy that but instead of responding to the question, something else seems to have grabbed his full attention. “You called me Seb. Twice now.”

Chris’ face falls. How could he be so stupid? He knew there would be an invisible line he shouldn’t cross and how could he not guess that something as personal as a nickname would be it? Why didn’t he just ask Sebastian what he would like to be called? It was so typical for him to ruin a good thing he thought he had under control.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know… I mean, I guess I should’ve asked.”

“I like it.” Sebastian seems unperturbed by Chris’ wild fumbling for words and it’s the first time his voice sounds sure since the beginning of their chat. “No one’s ever called me that before. You got your own nickname for me now.”

It takes Chris a moment to realize that nothing’s ruined, everything’s fine, amazing actually, but then he tries for a lopsided little smile, even he still feels hot and sweaty. “Huh, and we didn’t even get to the other names, yet.”

His reward is one of those beautiful laughs. Chris’ mind sees happy little waves dancing on the surface of the sea in summer. Everything about Seb seems happy and bright and Chris hasn’t noticed it before but he’s suddenly aware that he feels lighter while talking to him. Things seem less heavy, less of a burden, like he isn’t as confined as he usually feels. And he likes it but is also scared by it, wanting to take a firm grip of that feeling and holding onto it, but at the same time feeling like it’ll vanish and leave him to fall into a vast open space.

They look at each other, equally confused and yet one hundred percent sure at the same time. It’s obvious that Sebastian is floating helplessly, just as much as Chris. This wasn’t what he’d planned and now he has no idea what this even is. And Chris, even though he feels the same, is relieved. At least they’re in this together, no matter what happens, and they can fumble around in the dark together, find their own path, wherever that may lead them.

The brief moment of silent intimacy seems to untie an invisible knot and afterwards, Chris feels lighter than he has since high school. Since before he knew about the big secret he’d have to keep from the world in order to keep going, back when he still thought he was like everybody else and fit right in.

They talk for a long time after that. Not about what happened, or why it happened, or even anything really personal, just random small talk. Afterwards, Chris knows he hasn’t learned much about Seb’s life, but he still feels like he knows him so much better now. Maybe not the circumstances of his everyday life - his morning routine, his daily schedule, what he eats and where, who he hangs out with - but he’s definitely got a glimpse into that beautiful soul. And beautiful it is, Chris can tell. 

He doesn’t care that he’s still paying. Chris would give his last penny to talk to Sebastian. So it isn’t that which finally makes them end the call but the battery of his iPad. He considers getting the charger after all but then again, it’s a reminder that he should probably do some more work and grab something for dinner soon.

Unsurprisingly, he does none of that once they said goodnight and the screen goes black. Instead, he lies awake, staring at the ceiling until his room goes dark. He didn’t even jerk off during their call, neither did Seb. And he’s still so smitten, so impressed, so fucking hung up on that guy. Chris knows he’s well and truly fucked. And he also knows that he can’t tell Seb any of that. Yes, they had a good conversation and Seb likes him. And then there’s this other thing. The thing which he can’t not call _the thing_ because he has no idea what it is and if he’s completely honest with himself, he’s also afraid of it. Because it seems fragile and he fears that if his thoughts touch it too much, it’ll vanish or break.

So he marinates in his own fears and worries until a little jingle informs him about a new email. It is a message notification from AE. Seb.

All it says is _thanks for tonight <3 _but that’s all Chris needs to finally get up and do what he needs to do. It’s late, so proper dinner is cancelled but he manages to heat up a frozen pizza and even answers some work mail while he waits for it to finish. While devouring the surprisingly non-shitty junk food, he watches some Basketball and it isn’t before he’s tucked up in bed that he finally replies to Seb’s message.

_Nothing to thank me for. You’ve added some much needed sunshine to my life right now._

Once he gets the confirmation that the message was sent, he clicks his phone off and puts it on the bedside table.

And for the first time in his life, the voices in his mind are silent.


	4. Chapter IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris is in for a nasty little surprise...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally I had planned for this chapter to be longer but then changed my mind and decided to split it and let this train stop at Heartache Station for a little longer. Sorry!
> 
> Happy new year to you guys and as always, thank you so much for all the kudos and comments and to everyone hitting me up on Tumblr. You guys rule!

The next week is a flurry of meetings and court hearings for Chris and as much as he wishes that he could spend more time focusing on Seb, it is also a relief that he doesn’t get a chance to overthink what’s happening.

Not that he thinks anything is happening.

Or is it?

There’s been some exchange of messages between them but nothing really intimate and they haven’t touched upon what they talked about during the video chat, either. It’s mostly just small talk. Chris noticed that Seb rarely shares much about his life, he mostly mentions random things. Like that once he sent him a long rambling message about being tired and stuck on a crowded subway train. Or that one time he was musing about how weird it was that Cap’n Crunch was his favourite kind of cereal even though all cereal basically has the same disgustingly sweet artificial taste. (Peanut Butter Crunch is his favourite flavour and he just really likes Cap’s hat.) Chris has found himself laughing while reading those messages so often but he can’t help but notice that there’s never any real facts regarding Seb’s life. Not where he’s going in the morning or who he’s meeting. He wouldn’t say he’s bothered by it but sometimes he feels a bit weird knowing what he’s told him in return. He’s brought up Annie a few times, as well as a disagreement with one of the partners. (Seb agrees that Annie deserves a raise, possibly a medal, and was quite colorful in his description of where he thinks Chris’ superior can shove his opinion.) Chris isn’t stupid, he hasn’t shared anything confidential about his cases or clients but otherwise he’s pretty open.

Open. Yeah, right. _So why haven’t you told him about Kate, then?_

The thing is that Chris knows there are two possible answers to this. One, he’s a freaking coward and knows what he’s doing isn’t fair to anyone involved. Two, there’s no reason to tell him about her because nothing’s happening between them.

The truth, he figures, is somewhere between both options.

But anyway, he can’t blame Seb for keeping some secrets when he’s doing the same. And given the fact that they met through a place that’s probably Creep Central, Chris is also a little proud of him for keeping his safety guard up.

As pleasant as these little micro-conversations are, they leave Chris hungering for more. His mind keeps going back to their video chat and the sheer endless possibilities for how the next time could turn out. But Seb hasn’t offered another chance for them to video chat.  And if Chris is honest, he’s hesitant about initiating one. He’s afraid that this would make him feel like the paying customer that he is.

***

It’s a Friday night and Chris can almost feel the buzz from the party crowd out in the city. He himself is sitting in the near darkness of his office. A small desk lamp illuminates the work space but the rest of the room is pitch black.

He’s reclining in his expensive leather chair, bottom lip pinched between forefinger and thumb as he reads over the notes he’s been typing up for an hour now. Among the things Chris hates, being stuck on a case is pretty high up on his list. This one’s particularly tricky because all the evidence is pointing at his client, but it’s one of those cases that won’t let him go. He knows that somewhere in there is a tiny door that he needs to open to find a way to the truth, just a little thread he needs to pull and the whole thing will unravel. It’s this feeling that got him where he is now, like a sixth sense, being able to see something others miss. But this time, this tiny detail won’t reveal itself to him and it’s frustrating. He needs to look further into it, make another call, just talk to his client’s father one more time because he has this strange gut feeling that he may hold a key position here. It’s late, past ten, but Chris figures it’s worth a shot anyway.

He reaches for his phone and is about to unlock it when he sees the notification he must have missed before. An email from AE. Seb has started another livestream.

The email is from only a few minutes ago, so Chris figures he hasn’t missed too much. He tries to feel bad about putting work aside for now but he just doesn’t have it in him at this point. People deserve breaks, right?

And this is Seb.

Chris closes the file and pulls up his web browser. He’s still logged in, so it takes him less than thirty seconds to make it to Seb’s channel and confirm that yes, they can use his credit card to pay for the livestream access.

His entire body is humming with excitement now and he gives his crotch a little squeeze. Mostly, he’s looking forward to seeing Seb’s face again, hearing his voice, hopefully also that breathy little laugh, but he’s also definitely planning to rub one out tonight.

Chris’ connection is fast but it still seems to take a small eternity as he watches the little apple twist and turn against the black background of the video player. He only becomes aware of the cheesy grin on his face when it falls.

Seb isn’t alone. Next to him on the bed Chris knows so well by now is someone else, another guy, one Chris has never seen before but still feels he knows. Dark skin, cropped hair, chocolate brown eyes and big, bulging muscles, the kind of guy you see in every second gay porn video - he’s gorgeous and stunning and Chris hates his guts. Because he’s sitting close to Seb. Because his hand is fondling Seb’s bare thigh while he’s talking to the camera.

“I’m sure most of you are familiar with Jay. Admit it, you’ve probably wanted to sleep with him since the first time you watched him right here on this website. And guess what? I’ll get to do that tonight. Lucky me!” At this, he grins and turns toward this Jay character, who grins back and kisses him noisily, obnoxiously Chris wants to say.

Something is off here, and Chris doesn’t want to believe it’s only because his jealousy is eating him up. As he listens to Seb talking some more - apparently a whole bunch of viewers have suggested he hook up with Jay, and this is supposed to be a treat - his stomach lurches and Chris can feel it devouring the excitement he felt only moments ago, turning it into a dark depressing hole instead.

Clearly, the guest character didn’t come to Seb’s bedroom to talk because now he’s kissing his neck and shoulder, attaching himself to him like an eager puppy, trying to get his attention. And Chris watches as Seb finally gives in and kisses him again. It doesn’t take long before they’re an entangled mess of limbs on the bed. Both of them are only wearing underwear, so it’s pretty much skin against skin. He can hear Seb giggle and watches him writhe and they look every bit like they’re happily in love. Chris would give anything to be the reason for that laugh, to give him chills like that, but instead he’s here watching somebody else getting that treat and it’s killing him.

Chris wants to shut the laptop and stop watching but something makes him stay still. This is torture. He doesn’t want to see this and yet, he can’t avert his eyes. At least he has small mercy on himself and only watches Seb, ignoring this Jay character as much as he can help it. His full lips place kisses on the other guy’s skin and Chris can’t help but wonder what it feels like. His movements are slow, kisses lingering and there’s probably a deliciously soft feel to it all.

Time seems to crawl and yet it flies by. Chris watches as they kiss and make out, touch each other and get rid of their underwear so mouths can provide pleasure in a way hands can’t. He hates seeing Seb with another guy but as he watches him going full on deepthroat on Jay’s thick cock, something inside Chris’ brain implodes. He’s seen him do this to toys before but this is different. Seb is struggling, his throat fluttering and his neck tensing as he forces himself to stay put just that second longer before releasing the dick with a little cough.

But the whole thing is ruined by Jay’s practiced porn moans. There’s nothing sincere about it, nothing genuine, not like Seb at all.

When Seb turns around, his ass facing the camera so his audience can watch Jay fingering and opening his ass while he continues sucking him, it’s clear where this is headed. And once again, Chris feels sick to his stomach at the thought that Seb is going to bottom for this guy. He knew that Seb’s more of a bottom kinda guy, he’s told Chris as much. But it’s one thing knowing something in theory, and watching him actually do it is an entirely different story.

But there’s nothing he can do to stop this. The only means of contact he has would be to write a message in the public chat, tell Seb to stop this madness, ask him why he’s doing this. But Chris knows this would be pointless. Not only would his message get washed away by the neverending stream of cheers and vulgar encouragement, it would also go unseen by Seb who’s clearly not paying attention to the screen right now. And, Chris knows, he has no right to do this, no real good point to make.

When Seb turns around, there’s a moment in which he looks just as uneasy as Chris feels. He’s facing the camera now, leaning on his folded arms while he lifts his ass up. Behind him, the Jay guy is moving, no doubt going through the prepping motions of applying a condom and lube, but Chris is completely focused on Seb’s face. It’s ridiculous, really, for him to think he knows this guy enough to read him but he’s absolutely convinced that Seb is uncomfortable. For all the smiling and laughing and dirty talking he’s doing, to Chris he looks like he’d rather be anywhere than there.

Jay positions himself behind him and for a second, he wiggles awkwardly, almost as if inching away from him, but then he plays it off as a teasing wiggle and grins at him over his shoulder and Chris wants to reach for him through the screen, pull him over into his room, away from this guy and away from the whole situation.

But again, he has to watch helplessly as Seb’s grin falters, turns into a cringe and then finally into a pained grimace before he drops his face with a little whimper, hiding behind his own arm. This isn’t an act, it can’t be, Chris is thinking. This guy is hurting Seb, his Seb, and while he knows that penetration rarely happens without any discomfort, this looks downright painful and he doesn’t understand why they’re not stopping. He doesn’t understand why Seb won’t say anything, or why Jay doesn’t notice how tense he is.

For a brief second, Chris glances away from the video and his stomach turns when he sees the constant stream of encouragement and cheering in the chat. It disgusts him how some even seem to be getting off on the obvious display of discomfort on Seb’s part. He closes the chat window and focuses back on the video stream, not like what he sees there is much better.

But in the end, he has to admit that he’s reading between fine lines here. Seb isn’t openly complaining, and he’s initiated the whole thing, and when he looks up again, he’s smiling - shakily, but smiling nonetheless. And even Chris isn’t so sure anymore. Maybe this is part of the show. Maybe it’s what Seb wants. How would Chris even be able to tell what he wants?

He can feel his breathing become laboured and knows he’s close to a panic attack. It’s only happened a few times before but often enough for Chris to read the warning signs. Situations like this are a trigger for him, feeling helpless and seeing something he considers bad without any control over it. He knows he has to act or he’ll find himself in a fetal position on the floor. But it still feels like betrayal when he shuts his browser with a click on the little X just as Sebastian cries out in what could be surprise or pain or maybe a little bit of both.

The sounds from the video stream are replaced by deafening silence and Chris closes his eyes but his mind is cruel and provides him with a seemingly endless replay of what he’s just seen. He tries telling himself that none of this was real, it was a show, a fan service if you will, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. He also knows that he has no right to feel this pain, and definitely not the ugly stab of jealousy, either. Still, why didn’t he at least give him a heads up, a little warning? _Because he doesn’t have to, jerk!_ Seb owes him nothing and Chris holds no control over what happens on this channel. But somehow that also makes it worse and his stupid heart is still pounding and aching and his brain is still supplying him with the image of Seb’s face twisted in pain and Chris hates the way it makes him feel. Like he should have done something. Like he should reach for his phone and ask if Seb is okay.

And he does open his phone but spends five minutes scrolling through his contacts. His first instinct should be to reach out to Kate. Even though he can’t tell her the reason, she should be the first person he calls when he’s feeling down. But he scrolls past her name real quick, making sure not to look at the little icon next to it.

Eventually he settles on the only real option he has and calls Jake. Maybe it’s a dumb idea to run straight into the bloodhound’s arms but Jake is his only friend who’s single and he’s also the only friend who could be happily married to an entire football team and would still be up for meeting him for drinks even though it’s close to midnight. Sure enough, he doesn’t even ask for reasons before he agrees to meet him at a bar in town and hangs up, no doubt already halfway undressed and on the way to grab one of his fancy, shiny suits.

Chris won’t tell him what this is about, he’s already decided that by the time the cab drops him off and he finds himself nearly face to face with a drunk college girl on her way to throwing up at the edge of the sidewalk. It’s a narrow miss and Chris already wishes he’d just invited Jake to come over instead. What is he even doing out here, among the young and hedonistic?

When he finds him, Jake’s obviously enjoying a fascinating conversation with a handsome stranger by the bar, and yet Chris isn’t the least bit surprised when his friend turns towards him and all but dismisses the guy, getting up without a goodbye and walking them over to a free table. “Thanks for getting me out of that. I thought he was about to show me pictures of his model car collection. No, no, not his dick, he does have an actual collection.”

Chris needs a moment to adjust to the fast pace of his friend’s rambling and even then he has no real response to that but just drops his head and laughs, partly at the seemingly outrageous encounter, partly because it feels wild to be out here now with Jake when just half an hour ago, his heart was cracking and crumbling while watching a boy getting fucked on the Internet in the darkness of his home office.

Jake’s glass is still half full but he orders another bourbon when the waitress comes by and Chris asks for a German beer he vaguely remembers the name of. His poor heart could do with something stronger but he can’t risk getting smashed now or he’d spill the entire story.

Of course, Jake isn’t clueless. Chris never initiates these things, so this is the first sign that something is wrong. And he’s also aware that he probably looks as guilty and empty as he feels.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s up or are we gonna sit here and stare at each other in silence all night?”

They haven’t even been silent for that long, maybe a minute but patience isn’t a virtue to Jake and Chris gets it. Nights out are supposed to be fun and right now his friend is sitting here with the sad clown while everyone around them is laughing, singing and dancing. So he’s gotta give him something. Right?

“I don’t know, man. I just…”

“You shithead! You cheated on Kate?”

Chris’ head shoots up and he stares at Jake. Was it that obvious? Can the guy actually read minds? That would describe his success at work, at least.

“Please,” Jake says, as if actually reading his mind yet again, “spare me the look. You got your girl and your work. Nothing else. And I’ve never really seen you look, well, like this over her before. Hence there being another person.”

“What? No, I...I mean, it’s not…” Pathetic. Sad. The way he’s fumbling for words makes him sound like a sorry excuse for a man and he instantly feels worse. Maybe coming out here tonight was a bad idea after all. “Listen, can we just not talk about this?”

But no, Jake’s onto something and while Chris was able to shake him off in the office, things are different now. He’s asked him to come here tonight and they’re exactly where Chris maneuvered them. Leaving would only confirm his friend’s suspicions and really, he’s fucked now.

“Do I know her?”

Chris stares at him blankly, not even sure if he’s thinking anything but that’s enough for Jake to pick up on and Chris watches in horror as Jake makes this over dramatic gesture of slapping his hand over his mouth, eyes wide as saucers. With most people it would look like some ridiculous drama queen thing but quite honestly, Jake invented drama, he _is_ drama, so this is so obviously him Chris almost laughs.

“It’s not a her?”

There it is. The moment Chris has dreaded all his life, that he felt would be the beginning of the end for him. And yet he feels nothing. But while he knows that this could be so much worse, it could be someone else than Jake who he knows won’t rat him out, there’s also yet more guilt shoveled onto his shoulders when he sees a small flicker of hurt flash over Jake’s face, behind the obvious amusement 

“Well, fuck me, I wouldn’t have guessed that.” It’s said nonchalantly and with a grin but Chris knows he’s disappointed yet another person in his life. Keeping your own homosexuality from your homosexual friend has got to feel like betrayal, he wagers, and he knows that he needn’t get into explaining his reasons. Jake knows all of them and it’s still not enough 

But his friend is a saint, really, because instead of telling Chris just how much of a fucked up asshole he really is, he gives him a little shove and holds up a finger in warning. “I don’t care what a glorious dick he has, you don’t cheat on your girl.”

Chris feels his mouth curl into a sad smile and he can’t even look up at Jake as he nods and says, “I know”. Jake loves Kate, he knows that. They’re carved from the same tree, really. Both of them are confident and unapologetic about who they are. They know what they want and they’re not afraid of reaching for it.

He waits for the waitress to put their drinks down and smiles at her, then watches her walk away until she’s out of earshot. As if she’d care about his pathetic life.

“Listen, I didn’t. Cheat on her, I mean. Not really.”

He feels himself shrink under his friend’s scrutinizing stare. Jake is trying to figure him out. Chris knows because he’s seen him do that to clients. He sniffs out guilt like a pig going for truffles. But whatever he finds in Chris’ face, thankfully it doesn’t seem to be all that bad because he relaxes a bit and leans back, swirling the bourbon around in the glass. “So who is this guy?”

Chris exhales, slowly, feeling himself deflate a little as his shoulders sag. “Nobody you know.”

The little snort Jake gives at that is painful, the first real sign of hurt and the fact that he lets Chris hear it is a warning in itself. They’re reaching the end of his patience here.

“No, listen, you really don’t. But I can’t tell you. Not yet. It doesn’t matter anyway because he doesn’t...he isn’t…”

“Gay?”

Chris can’t help but snort at that, giving Jake a grim smile. “Yeah, no, he’s definitely into dick. But he’s just not…”

“Into you? 

Well, damn! “Yeah. I think so. Although sometimes he does…” He cuts himself off and pushes back against the chair, slamming a hand on the table. “Listen, can we just not talk about this now? You know pretty much all there is to know about it now. So can we just talk about, I don’t know, the dicks in your life, plastic or otherwise? 

He can tell that Jake isn’t ready to change the subject and he definitely isn’t done with this. But for now he has mercy and nods. The conversation isn’t necessarily tense after that but he can tell that the stories don’t came as naturally as they usually do. Clearly, they’re both still preoccupied with the big confession of the night. It pains him to imagine that Jake is probably wondering what else he is keeping from him and, more importantly, why he thinks he can’t tell him. And Chris wants to explain himself so badly, but that’s another story he isn’t ready to open up about, not yet and not now. But he’s surprised to also feel some sort of relief, as if sharing even just a small part of the truth with someone took a huge

When they leave the bar and Chris flags down a cab, he’s grateful for the alcohol in his system. He has a lovely buzz going on and with every beer he ordered, it got easier to actually laugh at Jake’s stories and now that he waves his friend goodbye and slides into the comfortable leather seat, he’s almost fine. Or at least it’s possible to convince himself that it’s no big deal, his heart has no crack and coming out to someone he works with totally isn’t what he’s feared forever.

Without bothering to turn on the lights, he heads upstairs as soon as he gets home and strips down to his boxers before he crawls onto the bed, stretching out on top of the comforter. And maybe he would have been in for some peaceful rest, but he makes the mistake of checking his phone first, and another by reading the message when he sees there’s a new one from Sebastian.

  
All it says is _Hi_ but those two letters are enough to bring back all the hurt and disappointment from earlier that night and Chris decides he can’t. He doesn’t know what to say and he just wants to stop thinking of Sebastian’s face while that guy was pounding him from behind. So he shuts his phone off and squeezes his eyes shut against the impending headache.


	5. Chapter V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris is confused. But what else is new?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this being so short. On the upside, the next chapter is already written and being edited as we speak. The original intention was to post both of them as one big chapter but then I decided to break them up into two.

When Chris wakes up, his first thought is that he wishes his mom was here. Back when he was a teenager and still living in her house, he’d always get a nice long rant when he did something stupid the night before. But she’d also eventually switch to just being his mom and curing hangovers and broken hearts alike. Then again, thinking of what she’d say about him being infatuated with a much younger man he found by watching him strip and masturbate is nothing Chris can deal with this early in the morning.

And early it is, barely after seven, so he can’t have caught more than four or five hours of sleep. His mouth feels like the rough texture of an old wool blanket and the taste on his palate is nothing but vile.

All of that is nothing compared to what he remembers from the night before, though.

He wagers that he should be more concerned about coming out to Jake, which leaves a crack in his construct of lies. But the memory of seeing Seb with that guy makes everything else seem unimportant.

Sebastian.

Chris remembers the message from the night before and puts his phone back on. As he waits for it to boot, he drags himself down the stairs and into the kitchen. Coffee is needed but will have to wait until he trusts his own body enough to follow the simple routine of getting the coffeemaker started. So he opens the fridge and pulls out the milk, drinking straight from the bottle. With his brain-to-eyes-to-hands coordination still fucked up, he manages to spill a generous amount down his chin and chest as he tries to simultaneously drink and unlock his phone with his fingerprint. So when the phone’s back up, he decides to put the milk down in favour of checking his messages.

The plan was to write back and say hello, act clueless. But when he opens his inbox, there’s another one from Sebastian, sent about an hour after the first.

_i’m sorry :(_

And Chris’s heart gains another crack.

It’s just so sad. Seb is so soft and so pure, enough to even add a sad little emoji to a message, and Chris is such an ass, acting like a complete jerk towards him.

What was he thinking, ghosting him like that? Even if it was just for one night and he couldn’t have known that Seb would care.

And stupid as he is, he still feels the urge to switch his phone right back off again. This time it isn’t because he’s hurt but because he feels ashamed of acting like a jealous teenager. And he can’t let that happen. He’s an adult.

So before he can change his mind and chicken out, he writes back.

_No need to apologize._

And there isn’t, he wants Seb to know that. Just because his heart is stupid and weak doesn’t mean Sebastian did anything wrong. Chris only wishes he’d found that wisdom a few hours ago before making the poor boy feel like he had to be sorry for something.

He runs a hand down his face and yawns as he goes over his responsibilities for the day. There’s a meeting with a new client at ten, then a lunch date with Jake and the partners and then he desperately needs to see another client in prison. It’s the major case he’s abandoned the day before and that also reminds him that he should finally make that call to the client’s father. So many things to do, so little will to pay attention to anything but Seb.

He wagers it’ll be a while before he’ll get a reply, so he puts the phone aside to finally get that coffee started. But just a minute later, it buzzes again with a new message. By now Chris doesn’t even bother reading the email notification anymore but opens AE straight away.

The first part of the message is a phone number. Mobile, a New York City area code. Interesting.

_can you message me here? it’s easier. only if you wanna, of course._

Is this a joke? If Chris wants to? Well, he shouldn’t, but who is he even kidding?

He doesn’t even think about it before he pulls up his contacts and adds a new one for Seb. For a moment he considers giving him a fake name or adding something like “witness” behind his name to make him appear as a business contact. But that’s ridiculous. The sad part about all of this is that Kate could be looking straight at his phone when Seb is calling and she wouldn’t dream of suspecting anything, yet he still thinks he needs to put on a full act to fool her.

He opens a new message and hesitates for a moment. What should he say? What does Sebastian want to say? Are they gonna talk about what happened? _Please, no_ , he thinks but knows that it would be just as awkward to leave the elephant in the room.

_Hey!_

Wow. What a masterpiece. Totally worth the five minutes Chris spent standing half naked in his kitchen staring at his phone.

Sebastian, apparently, has less problems with finding the right words, so before Chris can consider quitting his job and putting his newfound writing talent into a career as a poet, the three little dots disappear and are replaced by a message.

_thanks. i’m in class and messaging is easier without worrying about the guy behind me seeing the AE logo on the screen. anyways, i just wanted to say sorry. i said that already and i know you said not to apologize but i wanna because i saw you log on and i should have told you about the plans for, well, that._

“That”. Chris wonders why Sebastian is beating around the bush like this. It isn’t like him to be very modest about the details of his job. That’s Chris’ part, actually. Seb rarely shows any shame or even a sign that he truly acknowledges that what he’s doing may seem inappropriate to some people.

But whether they have words for it or not, apparently they’re talking about it. Chris doesn’t know what to say, though. His only options are lying or being embarrassingly honest about it, and neither seems appealing. But Chris is a huge, soft and emotional teddy bear and out of the two options, honesty is the only thing he can go with. His heart knows this, even as his brain is still searching for another way, and so he gives in.

_I gotta say it wasn’t a pleasant surprise. And I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to apologize. But it’s your job, Seb. You gotta give the audience what it wants, to some extent. I get that._

Chris hates that he can tell Seb this and even sound convincing and yet, he’s created such drama about it the night before. He can see that now, in the bright light of the morning. The old wisdom that things always look brighter in the morning never fails to prove itself as true and yet, people never truly learn.

This time there isn’t an immediate response and Chris tells himself that it must have something to do with Seb being in class. Before he can obsess about it and overthink everything, he goes to take a quick shower and when he returns, now sporting a clean pair of underwear and an oversized shirt on top, there’s another reply waiting for him.

_i know. it’s just that there’s things you like doing and others you just don’t._

Now, what does that mean? When Chris says things like that, he means that he loves being in the courtroom but hates dealing with the paperwork. Seb’s job, however, is a whole different story and Chris struggles to compare typing out a bunch of dry notes with having a stranger’s dick up your ass if you’re not into it.

His belly gives an uncomfortable flip and he feels the same hint of nausea he felt while watching the expression on Seb’s face the night before. And again, he wonders why it seems so much like something isn’t right here. There’s definitely something wrong with the picture and it bothers him that he can’t really figure it out.

_What do you mean? He didn’t force you to do that, right?_

Chris hits send and squeezes his eyes shut, not sure if he will be able to stomach the answer. He’s being overdramatic here, reading too much into what Seb is saying. That has to be it. Right?

Again, it takes a while and this time Chris has nothing left to do but to pour himself the coffee he doesn’t even want anymore. The wait seems different, more tense, this time, and Chris thinks he can almost hear Seb typing and re-typing his reply, maybe unsure about what to tell him. The little dots come and go, come and go, and Chris is sure he’s gonna lose his mind, just as the message finally comes in.

_no, he didn’t force me._

Chris releases a long breath he wasn’t aware of holding and feels a bit of the tension leave his body. Thing is, though, there’s a but here somewhere. It’s only an answer to one question and he’s about to push for more when the dots reappear. Clearly, Seb doesn’t need to be pushed. But he needs to be granted the time and space to come out with it at his own pace, so Chris puts the phone aside and allows him to explain everything in his own time. Not that his impatience isn’t killing him but he uses the time to fetch his smokes and takes them outside to the deck along with his mug of coffee.

It’s cool out here and he wishes he’d at least bothered to put on shoes, but the cold air is also helping him to clear his mind as he waits.

An eternity seems to pass before the reply comes in and Chris kind of expected there to be a whole novel from Sebastian but the message is short, so he must have thought long and hard about what to say and that just breaks Chris’ heart. He knows he hasn’t earned his trust yet, so it doesn’t make sense to expect him to immediately spill his heart out, but he still wishes he could be that person for him, give a shoulder to cry on, offer advice or make him laugh, whichever is needed, whenever.

_it isn’t like that. it’s just complicated. that sounds so lame, i know._

Chris isn’t sure what to make of that because “complicated” can mean a lot of things and it rarely means what the other person thinks it means. So he doesn’t want to think of anything at all and assume, but he also doesn’t want to push Seb, so there’s that.

_It isn’t lame. Look, I won’t make you talk about things if you don’t want to. Just know that there’s a friend here who’ll listen whenever you need him to, okay?_

There. That’s all he can offer, really. Chris hates the feeling of helplessness and not being able to do a whole lot, but he knows leaving the door open is the only right thing to do now. He may want or need more control but that isn’t Seb’s problem.

_thank you, chris. i really appreciate that._

Chris waits but there’s nothing more. Apparently, Seb has decided he doesn’t want to share anything more with him right now. Or maybe he can’t, but that thought is too depressing for Chris to explore right now.

For what it’s worth, their little exchange has put his mind a little more at ease. What he should have considered before acting like a stubborn teenager the night before is that he would only end up doing anything to make sure Seb knows he isn’t mad at him in the end. And it seems he’s accomplished that, for now.

They continue to message a little throughout the day, but they’re back to banalities. Seb is complaining about his classes and the workload that comes with it, and Chris complains right back about being forced to leave the house today. He still feels hungover and like a week or two of undisturbed sleep may only just begin to refill his energy resources.

Things feel better. Easier.


	6. Chapter VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise guests are the best guests. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's the next chapter. Don't get used to it, though. You know I'll be back to my usual frequency (aka updating every once in a blue moon) after this.

Chris looks out at the glittering reflection of light on the calm water and tries not to focus on the itch in his crotch, caused by the uncomfortable but sinfully expensive suit he’s squeezed himself into for the night. 

When Kate called him to ask if he was free that night, he expected another dinner, drinks maybe, but not a boring work function. He couldn’t say no, though, not unless he wanted to feel like an asshole again, so he put on one of his tailored suits and came here. Three hours, a not very satisfying three-course meal, half a dozen dry and boring conversations and several glasses of champagne later, he’s managed to excuse himself and fled out here to the balcony. Mind-numbingly dull as the night might be, the view from up here is spectacular. They’re on the top floor of a high rise building and Chris is staring right across the harbor and the city lights beyond.

Chris moves the champagne flute to his other hand and fishes his phone out of his pocket, only to find his lockscreen staring back at him. No new messages. It’s been awfully quiet in the past couple days.

A week has passed since he exchanged numbers with Sebastian and the back and forth between them has been a delight thus far. Seb is the king of random messages and Chris has slowly loosened up enough to also send little rants and other spontaneous thoughts his way. There’ve been pictures as well. Nothing outrageous but an adorable pout on Seb’s gorgeous face while holding up the list of homework due soon. Homework. It’s crazy to think that Chris’ heart is hung up on a guy who is young enough to have homework to take care of.

But for about thirty-six hours now there’s been nothing. Chris knows he needn’t get worried because Seb has a lot on his plate and maybe that list of homework has grown longer still. Or maybe he’s just tired and resting. There’s only been one new video up on his channel this week, too, a quick jerk off video. It didn’t seem rushed, it never does with Seb, but it was still not very original and seemed a bit like a placeholder to Chris. It’s also starting to feel strange, watching him strip and jerk off, not that he’s getting to know the person behind the pretty face a little bit more. Not that it would stop Chris. It’s just too hot, too much of a temptation.

He considers sending a message to ask if everything’s fine but abandons the thought because he doesn’t want to seem clingy. Not like there’s even any real sort of relationship he could cling to. He knows he’s kidding himself and he will probably send that message eventually, but for now he just pushes his phone back into his pocket and continues sipping his champagne.

“There you are!” Bare slender arms wrap around his middle from behind and soft lips place a kiss on the back of his neck. Kate is still warm from the heat inside and Chris appreciates the soft embrace. He wishes he could return the sentiment but can only come up with the small gesture of putting his free hand on top of hers on his stomach.

“Yeah, I had to get some fresh air.” There’s no need to lie. Kate knows how much he hates social gatherings like this, though he doesn’t want to whine and be difficult about this. He doesn’t need to either because Kate tightens her hold, giving him a little squeeze before she releases him and steps next to him, leaning against the railing.

“It is awfully dull tonight, I’ll give you that. Thank you for sticking with me for so long anyway.” Chris gives her a little smile and a nod at that but the way she looks at him, a little too long and a little too hard, makes him feel uneasy. Kate is too bright and it’s only a matter of time until she’ll find out. He knows this but his tongue is tied anyway.

“Wouldn’t want to miss you getting that golden…” He snaps his fingers and squeezes his eyes shut in an attempt to remember but Kate is quicker.

“Peacock. It’s a golden peacock, you jerk. Just like the bird in our company logo!” She laughs and slaps his shoulder. It’s easy for Chris to laugh along and he’s grateful that she’s being so lighthearted about it but he still feels like an ass. Not even half an hour has passed since Kate’s boss handed her that hideous award and he can’t even remember what it is supposed to be, nor what she received it for. He knows it isn’t only because he can’t bring himself to truly care. Mostly it’s because these things don’t really matter to him, not anymore, even when it’s him receiving the praise. Kate, however, is over the moon and he gets it. She works hard to achieve stuff, so she gets to enjoy it, too. In a way, it even comes as a relief to Chris that they’re different in that way. Maybe it isn’t just Seb who’s putting some distance between them - without even knowing it, mind you.

“You’re free to go, you know?” Chris gives her a surprised look, eyebrows raised. Is this a trick? He has no doubt that her original plan was for them to hang around until the big bosses leave and then go home together for a celebratory fuck. Most likely at her place, because she gets up at the crack of dawn and needs all her twenty-seven little beauty secrets and Chris, frankly, hasn’t been very welcoming towards her efforts of slowly moving her life into his home. Now that he’s thinking about it, he things he can even see the outlines of some expensive lace lingerie through her dress. Kate’s always been good at planning ahead and the details are always flawless.

But she only laughs and shrugs. “Hey, you’ve been here for over three hours now. That’s a win in my book. And they’re only just bringing out the longdrinks, so it’ll be early morning by the time we get outta here. Go on, I’ll be fine.”

Chris only gets out a surprised “I’ll call you tomorrow” before her sticky lipgloss mouth has brushed his in a quick kiss and she’s walking back inside, rubbing her arms to warm herself up from the cool night air.

Not having expected to be let loose so soon, Chris idles for a few minutes, staying out on the balcony as he empties his glass, and then makes a quick exit. The location’s convenient like that, allowing him to stick to the wall and avoid the crowd, so he only needs to give a little wave at some vaguely familiar faces before he reaches the elevator and then he’s on the way down to the lobby.

He gets a cab home and spends it fumbling around on his phone. Trying to distract himself with some lame football manager game, he quickly realizes that his mind is still stuck on Seb and finally gives in and shoots him a message.

_ Hope you’re well and school isn’t killing you! _

There. Nice and casual. Not too clingy. Right?

After spending a few minutes staring at the screen and hoping for the little dots to appear, he gives up just as the car pulls up outside his home.

He pays the driver and gets out but then stops halfway to his door to pat himself down in search for his keys. Just as he pulls them out of the depths of one of the way too many pockets of his jacket, he sees a movement from the corner of his eye and frowns. Someone’s lingering in the darkness and that’s happened way too often lately. Unlike his neighbors, who’ve been complaining about homeless people outside their homes a lot, Chris only feels sadness. Things have to be bad when someone who’s already hit rock bottom has to make the long trip out here at night just because it’s a safe area.

There’s nothing he can do now though and he decides to leave the person their dignity and just goes on. Apparently they have different plans, though, because while Chris is still fumbling with the keys, he sees a shadowy figure moving towards himself.

“Listen, pal, it’s late and I’m not in the mood for this. So can you just back off?” He doesn’t want to be rude but he’s tired and his bed is calling him. At this point he isn’t even scared. Chris is a big guy and he’s landed more than a few good punches in his life.

To his surprise, the figure doesn’t move away, and it doesn’t launch itself at him either. Instead there’s the tiniest “Hey” Chris has ever heard in his life. It sounds like a whimper, like a kicked dog that’s scared but knows it’ll have to beg for food anyway. But even so, recognition sets in. He knows that voice, even though he’s never heard it without technology between them and it’s never sounded so small before.

When Chris turns, there’s a moment in which his brain fails to catch up with what his senses are telling him. Sebastian looks so...tiny. Not in actual size, no. They’re almost the same height and Chris knows the guy’s got a nice build, too. But he still seems so much smaller and fragile out here, in front of Chris’ home. And yes, he is here, in front of Chris’ home.

“Seb,” is all he says for a long moment, and feels guilty about it because Sebastian looks like he could very much use some words of encouragement, like he’s about to bolt from the situation and never come back.

So it is impressive when he actually speaks up first. “Yeah, I...I wasn’t sure if it’s okay to come here. But I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Yeah, of course,” Chris says, as if that didn’t bring up more questions than it answered and as if he wasn’t completely confused right now. “Please, come in.” Maybe it’s a kind of muscle memory for him to slip into perfect host mode as he unlocks his door and pushes it open, then lets Seb go in first. A second passes as they stand right there inside his home and Chris and his brother smile at them dumbly from the framed photograph on the wall. It’s a shot from their annual Disney trip and they’re both wearing Minnie Mouse ears which seems inappropriately ridiculous right now.

“Are you…? Do you…?” Chris trails off. What was he even gonna ask? Right now his world is upside down and Seb looks so scared and intimidated and he doesn’t want to shoo him off by asking too many questions. “No,” he finally says, making a decision for both of them, “you take off your coat and make yourself at home on the couch first. I’ll get us some hot chocolate and then we’ll talk. If you want to, I mean.”

Sebastian still looks scared but he doesn’t protest, and a moment later he’s shrugging out of his jacket and handing it to Chris to put away. A small victory.

When Chris shows him to the cosily decorated living room, he notices the way Seb is taking in his surroundings, eyes growing wider with every step. He guesses that his home must seem almost decadent through the young man’s eyes, especially compared to the small part of his own home Chris got to see so far. He’s worked hard to get where he is and he likes the luxury he’s accumulated but right now he hopes that Seb can look beyond this and see the parts of himself that are to be seen everywhere and make this place a home - the picture frames, the little bits and pieces he’s brought from his travels, the Disney collectibles...

A moment later, Chris’ world is positively upside down and surreal. He can’t see Seb from where he’s standing at his stove heating up the milk but just the thought that he’s out there sitting on his couch is a mindfuck on its own. His brain supplies him with a number of possible explanations, one less realistic than the other, but who is Chris to judge? This whole Sebastian thing so far has been one big surreal mess. This, surely, is the cherry on top, though.

When he returns a few minutes later, carrying two steaming mugs, he’s in for a surprise. Seb still looks scared but he’s smiling. A quite silly smile, too.

“I’m sorry,” he says when he sees the confusion on Chris’ face. “It’s just that you’re cute when you’re freaked out like this.”

Chris doesn’t know what to say to that but feels a blush creeping up his neck.

“I’m sorry for just showing up like this,” Sebastian goes on, seemingly not bothered by Chris’ lack of speech. He reaches for the mug and cups it in both hands, looking down at the generous amount of whipped cream and cinnamon on top. Chris wants to believe that the tiny twitch of his mouth is because he remembers telling him that he likes cinnamon in his hot chocolate. He doesn’t take a sip, though, just sits there watching the cream melt and blend into the beverage for a long moment and Chris is just about to break the silence when Seb speaks up again. “I didn’t know if you’d tell me to stay away.”

“Why would I do that?” Chris’ voice is louder than he planned and he has to reel himself back in. “I mean, you know, just why?”

“Because we’re…” Sebastian stops, eyebrows knotting in concentration as he struggles to find the words and then tries again. “I mean, I’m…” He stops again and gestures at himself as if that could tell Chris everything he needs to know.

“You’re what? Stupidly gorgeous?”

Okay, it’s cheap and silly but it makes Seb laugh and his cheeks flush in the most adorable way, so Chris considers it a win.

“I mean it, Seb. You’re welcome here.” He looks at him for a long time, as if trying to make him understand. But it’s hard to read what’s going on behind those stormy eyes and before Chris can figure it out, Seb looks away, finally taking a small sip of his drink. He comes away with cream smeared across his top lip and Chris laughs, reaching over to gently brush it off with his thumb. The gesture is simple and meant to be perfectly innocent but Seb is looking at him with his eyes suddenly large and round and Chris’ body refuses to pull his hand back for a good long moment and they just look at each other, sharing a moment neither of them have seen coming.

Chris is the first to break the spell, because he’s a coward and because he’s so out of his depth here, it isn’t even funny anymore. Looking away to sip his own drink, he follows it up by putting the mug down on the coffee table and then tries to get comfortable. He feels like a guest on his own couch, ready to get up and leave as soon as Seb asks him to, give him space if needed.

“I know you probably want to know why I’m here,” Seb says, looking positively miserable and Chris knows he isn’t gonna get much of an explanation out of him now before he even continues speaking. “I can’t tell you everything, I’m sorry.”

The pause that follows is too long for comfort, so Chris says, “It’s okay”, even though it isn’t, probably won’t be because he’s full on worried now. But Seb wouldn’t be here, in his home, if there wasn’t a good reason for it, and Chris isn’t about to make it worse by making it seem like there’s a price to pay for this safety.

“How about we stick to some harmless facts then?” he tries, gauging Seb’s reaction, and when there’s no protest, he dares shuffle an inch forward. “Are you from around here? Boston, I mean?”

Sebastian shakes his head no, and Chris’ heart falls a little bit more for this guy simply because of the dark mess of curls on top of his head doing this floppy thing. “No, I live in New York. Manhattan, actually.”

“Manhattan! Wow! That...that’s gotta be tough for a student. Affording rent and all.” This explains why he’s only ever seen the small room in those videos. It’s probably all Seb can afford, and Chris wonders if he’s sharing the space with someone but doesn’t ask, not yet.

“Yeah. Hence the cam thing.” There’s a lopsided smile on Seb’s face as he seems to relax and moves to get more comfortable. He turns himself towards Chris, pulling one leg up onto the couch, still cradling that mug. “It pays alright. As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now. I tried other jobs but they barely brought in enough for rent and food and left me with little time for my studies.” He shrugs and takes another sip, this time giving a satisfied little hum, as if the new relaxed pose finally lets him truly enjoy the taste. “Took some guts to try this but now I’m glad I did. It’s a quick way to make a lot of money.”

Chris nods. He gets it, even though he’s never been in the same situation. He did have the odd job to help with supporting himself back in his own college days but it was more out of a stubborn desire to do it on his own. It’s only now that he realizes how privileged he was to even afford the vanity of choosing not to let his parents support him more than necessary. Clearly, Sebastian doesn’t have that choice. But he still gets that it must be a struggle. Classes, homework, keeping up at least a bit of a social life...it must be even harder for Seb than it was for him back then.

“So you’re not planning to stick with this once you’re done with your studies?” Seb seems genuinely surprised by the question, maybe even a little outraged, and Chris laughs at the expression on his face and holds up both hands in defeat. “Hey hey, I’m just making conversation here. Just saying it wouldn’t be the worst thing. If you enjoy what you’re doing and you’d decide to build up on that, nobody should be allowed to judge you for that. Different lives, different paths, right?”

It takes him a moment to think about it but then Seb nods, mind seemingly blown, as if Chris had just explained the universe to him. “Yeah, I suppose there’s truth to that. I’ve never heard anyone put it that way but you’ve a point there.”

Chris nods and wonders how many people he’s discussed it with and what they had to say, but leaves it at that. Seb shouldn’t let anyone’s opinion taint his own decision. It is a weird feeling, being so protective of someone he barely knows. And yet he wants nothing more but for Sebastian to find his way, work up to the greatness Chris knows he can achieve, no matter how and which path he’ll take.

Something else occurs to him then, something he should have thought about sooner but didn’t. “How did you know where to find me, anyway?”

Seb seems to shrink a size or two at that and Chris wonders which outrageous tale he’ll be told now. “Wasn’t that hard,” he mumbles, making Chris raise an eyebrow. In his job, he often needs to find people - witnesses, other suspects, anyone who could shed some light on his clients’ personality - and he’s never not found it hard. It’s a drag, the proverbial needle in a haystack kind of thing. But apparently, Seb didn’t have too many difficulties there. “You told me about your job. Took some Googling but you’re quite a big deal, aren’t you? Never told me your career kinda skyrocketed.” Seb looks at him with something like awe on his face and Chris is flustered all of a sudden. He knows he’s good and he’s come a long way, but it never really felt like a struggle. Certainly not the kind Seb must be facing all the time. So he makes a non committal noise and rubs the back of his neck with somewhat of a sheepish little grin on his face.

Mercifully, Seb lets it go and continues his tale, obviously encouraged by the fact that Chris doesn’t seem offended. “It was easy from there,” he says and there’s even something like pride in his voice. “Quite fun, actually. I called your secretary to learn about when you would be in the office, then I just followed you from there. Looks easier in the movies, getting cabbies to follow another car, had to pay them a bit.” He shrugs, as if there’s no big deal to it. Chris guesses there isn’t, not in this case anyway, and lets it go. “I lost your track eventually, couldn’t just keep stalking you. But I knew where you lived by then, so I just waited around. That Italian bakery down the road has some seriously good coffee. Helped to keep warm while I was waiting out here. I was beginning to think you might not come home tonight, though. Would have sucked to come all the way out here and then just spend the night in a hotel room.”

He doesn’t say it out loud but somehow Chris feels that Seb wouldn’t have liked the idea of him spending the night elsewhere, with someone else. But the truth isn’t out on the table and Chris wouldn’t know what to say to that, anyway. And something else occurs to him then. Has Sebastian seen him with Kate? Does he know? If he does, there’s no sign of it, so Chris doesn’t mention it either. For now. Because he isn’t sure if there’s a reason to bring it up? No, because he’s a jerk who doesn’t know how to handle this sort of situation.

He nods again and lets it sink in, the idea that this beautiful man would put so much effort into finding him seems crazy to him. If he’d only just asked for his address, Chris would probably have gone straight to Manhattan to pick him up and carry him here himself. Or sent a horse carriage, like in the fairytales. But he gets why Sebastian would have been hesitant and he decides not to waste their time with all the ‘what if’s’.

Instead, he grins at him, one of those wide, toothy ones. “It’s quite flattering. Having my own stalker, I mean.”

Sebastian stretches his leg and gives Chris’ thigh a little nudge with his sock-clad toe. How is it possible that Chris didn’t even notice he’s taken his shoes off? “You’re a desirable victim for a stalker like me,” he replies and Chris notices that the light in his eyes seems a little bit dimmed now. The more he relaxes the more tired he seems and Chris feels sorry for keeping him waiting for so long even though he didn’t even know that he was here.

Making a decision for them both, he gives his foot a little squeeze and then gets up and gestures for Seb to follow. “Come on, it’s bedtime. You need to get some rest.”

Sebastian, bless his little heart, seems genuinely surprised and struggles to follow, grabbing the backpack he’s put down next to the couch. He didn’t expect to be invited in, let alone spend the night, and Chris is more than willing to prove him wrong. He leads him up the stairs, going slow because he can tell that everything about his home fascinates Sebastian. He notices him stopping every few steps to look at one of the pictures that line the wall next to the stairs. And then, once they’ve reached the upper floor, Chris grins as he hears him whistle through his teeth, because this is where he hides most of his Disney stuff. A shelf is full of various figurines, snowglobes and other stuff he’s brought home from Disneyland. None of the expensive stuff, that’s safely tucked away in his home office, but he guesses a Little Mermaid figurine is pretty unusual for a guy like him anyway.

“Sebastian,” the boy exclaims and laughs as he spots the crustacean of the same name. Chris smiles at him, sure his heart stops for a beat or two because Seb’s childlike excitement is nothing short of amazing to him. Not even his niece and nephews are that fascinated by his little collection.

“Yeah. You’re less of an old grump, though,” he comments as he opens the door right next to the shelf Sebastian’s looking at. “Here’s the guest room. It isn’t very, well, personal. But feel free to make yourself at home however you like.” Why is he even apologizing? The room is just fine. Queen-size bed, expensive linen, warm earthy toned walls, pleasant sceneries on the walls. But he’s right, there’s nothing personal about it. He had a professional design this room and now, with Sebastian standing in it, that doesn’t seem good enough. Like he deserves more than just some room. Chris thinks of the messy shelves and pictures in the background of his livestreams and thinks that his guest room feels like a large void compared to that.

Sebastian, though, doesn’t seem to agree at all. Showing more of that boyish excitement from before, he jumps and lets himself drop backward onto the bed, bouncing once, twice, then he grins up at Chris. “This is awesome! It’s about twice the size of my entire apartment.”

“Well, feel free to use every square inch of it.” Chris leans against the doorway and watches him as he gets back up and walks over to the window.

“Huh. Let me guess, that backyard’s all yours, too?”

Chris nods, tucking his chin to his chest, feeling bashful. “Yeah, sorry there’s no pool,” he jokes but half means it. “Bathroom’s across the hallway,” he points out to steer away from the awkward moment. “I don’t know what you brought but feel free to use anything that’s in there. There’s more clean towels in the cupboard down the hall if you need them. And anything else…” He stops himself, looking at Seb’s face, attentive but also faintly amused. “Listen, I think it’ll be easiest if you just do whatever you like. I mean it, make yourself at home and feel free to take what you need. Towels, food, wifi…”  _ Kisses and cuddles _ , his mind supplies helpfully.

Sebastian nods but seems taken aback. Is Chris being weird? Does he trust him too much? Probably, he figures, but it also feels natural.

There’s a moment in which neither of them says anything and Chris wishes he could be the adult here and break the silence first but he finds himself mute and rooted to the spot. So it is Sebastian who moves closer and Chris has to fight the urge to inhale deeply and sigh when he leans in to kiss his cheek and whispers a humble little, “Thank you, Chris.” How can he smell this good after a day outside in the street? And why is this the most prominent question on Chris’ mind right now?

“Anytime,” he says, even that taking a lot of effort from him.

Then there’s nothing left to say and Chris lingers for a moment, with this dumb smile on his face. He can practically feel his cheeks glow and knows he looks like a happy hamster. Luckily, his body has it more together and he turns away, reaching for the doorknob to pull it shut behind him. Before he does, he stops again, managing a gentle, “Good night” and then he makes a silent wish that this won’t be the last he sees of Seb, that he won’t decide to leave overnight, and finally manages to shut the door and let the lock click shut.

He doesn’t wait around to hear if Seb locks himself in and he forces himself to go back downstairs and clean up, making more noise than he has to to keep himself from listening for any sign of the young man upstairs.

Fifteen minutes later Chris is in bed and staring holes into his ceiling. Sebastian’s here, just down the hallway. It’s such a simple thought and yet, Chris doesn’t understand any of it. And he’s so busy trying to imagine his body all bundled up in the sheets that he completely forgets to wonder why he came here in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love, kudos is appreciated, feedback is encouraged. English isn't my first language and I trust spellcheck to correct me. Please be gentle with me.
> 
> You can also find me on [Tumblr](http://citylightslikerain.tumblr.com).
> 
> Thanks to [tintentod](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tintentod) for always being my partner in crime and giving me her opinion.


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